Sorry for the length... It started with my BF coming home earlier and walking in on me jerking off. He didn't seem put off by this at first. But later, when we had people over for dinner he was especially distant. To the point where one of my friends pulled me aside and asked. Of course with three of our friends over we couldn't talk about anything, although I mentioned it briefly when we were alone and he said everything was fine. So the evening goes on, I get more upset (quietly) and he gets more distant. Finally, people leave and I sit down and talk to him. He is still very distant and tells me that everything is fine, he just needs space and that I am being needy. I tell him that I need to spend time with him and that I am afraid that we'll just turn into roommates. He responds that we spend a lot of time together and he is confused. We don't really come to any conclusions or next steps and I go upstairs and go to sleep. I roll over in the middle of the night 3:40AM and notice that he's not in bed which concerns me, so I got down stairs and find that he had invited one of my oldest (straight) friends over and that they have been partying. This was really weird to me as he doesn't know this guy very well. Anyway, I stay downstairs until 4 and then go up to bed. He follows me up and falls asleep in my arms. I can't sleep, and I have to go to work the next morning, so I wake up and leave the house 3 hours before I have to be at work. While I'm having breakfast he texts me, asks if everything is okay etc. I call him before work and tell him that it really made me feel weird that he had invited my friend over while I was asleep. He said that he didn't really understand why but okay. We both basically agreed that we were going through a bit of rough spot and that we'd talk later. At lunch I texted him and he texted back. All sort of light hearted chit chat. Then he mentioned that maybe we should spice things up a little and have someone watch us having sex. Maybe a threesome. This piqued my interest considerably, so we texted back and forth and said that we'd explore this option, so long as we did it together and were both comfortable with it. The thing that turned me on the most was that he felt comfortable talking to me about his as he is usually very reserved. When I got home, we had really passionate sex which was amazing. Afterwards, we went down stairs and talked for hours. He did mention that Friday evening, he had basically been sexting with the friend of mine who had been over for dinner that evening and pulled me aside and asked if everything was okay. The fact that he was sexting didn't bother me that much since he told me about it, and he had had a lot to drink. Also, I had done the same thing about a month ago which he is also aware of. The thing that really bothered me was that my "friend" was doing that with him while he knew that we were having some problems. We also talked about having a third person there to either watch or join in, and we talked about what had happened the previous night. I finally found the words to tell him that I will give him space, but in return I need the occasional romantic dinner for two. All - in - all, it was a really great talk and went to sleep feeling that we had a breakthrough of sorts. So now the questions... 1.) Should we try and have someone there to watch us and/or join in? Something I read say that it is always a bad idea, and others say it bring the two of us closer. 2.) What should I do with the "friend" that was sexting with my BF? I'm upset that he'd respond when he knew that my BF and I were fighting.
Personal opinion, you seem to have intimacy problems. It seems you're not taking the time you probably should be taking for yourselves and although you can have great sex, every couple needs a great deal of intimicy to work well together. P.S. I have no experience at all in what comes to couples, so you shouldn't take this to heart, just give it a little thought
Although a threesome can increase the fun of sex by as much as 50% it's definitely no substitute for having important conversations that need to be had. A delay tactic at best. At it's worst though it could mark the beginning of an affair. If you're considering it because you're both the swinging type and just never got around to it yet, I'd say go for it. If you're considering it because you're worried about your relationship and think that such an offering will please him and thus fix everything, you should turn the opposite direction of that idea and run as fast as you can.
1) Nope, because a threesome sort of creates a third wheel. I don't think they'd be that intimate or fun, in any mix and match combination, for that matter. 2) Yep, I agree with the observation that there are intimacy issues here. You probably need to sort that out first if the person you don't trust is your significant other.
I personally think a threesome is a terrible idea, as if you're comfortable having sex with someone else while in a relationship, then you and your partner can become very distant, and is almost assured to break up or have relationship problems down the line. I'd question a relationship I was in if my future partner even suggested the idea. However, that's not to say for all couples. Some couples are able to have that distance and still get on with their relationship happily, but I'm not sure that most couples could do that. In my eyes, a threesome is basically agreed cheating. If you can cheat once, you can cheat again. Which is why I personally feel it's always a terrible idea. But that is for you to decide. As for your friend, I think you should talk to him and tell him that he's not being a very good friend. See how he reacts to what you say, because that is completely out of line and unless he has good points, it may be time to look for a new friend, because in my books that's impassable territory for friends. All the best.
These are pretty close to my thoughts. Some couples can have a threesome and happily stay together. The vast majority of couples can't. I know a couple that has threesomes (I wasn't involved in any of these threesomes) every so often and they've been together for 10 happy years. It really depends on the couple. Not everyone is wired the same. Some people have issues with their significant other flirting with others, some people don't. Some people have issues with their significant other having sex with others, some people don't. Etc. etc. Everyone is different so I'm not going to say that one is always the right way and another is always wrong. If everyone is being honest, communicating with each other, and not hurting anyone else, I don't see a big deal with whatever a couple chooses to do. I disagree with "agreed cheating" though. I consider that to be impossible. To me, cheating by definition involves dishonesty on some level and if you agree then that makes cheating impossible. In your case, I would strongly suggest that you don't go through with the threesome or that you at least wait until things are a bit more calm (no one acting distant etc.). I think that if you go through with it now it will damage the relationship. If you do decide to go through with the threesome, don't let anyone shame you about it. It is your relationship
The question of three-ways is one that every couple has to decide for themselves. What's troubling about the scenario that you related in your opening post is that you listed a number of communication issues, followed by "Maybe we should try a 3 way". The solution doesn't really fit the problem.
First of all - thanks for all the input! The BF and I had another very open talk about a lot of things. He told me that for him, he wasn't raised in a house where you ever said "I love you" and he learned that you always had to keep up your guard and not talk about your feelings. While for me, the opposite was true. He said that this is all new for him and that he is trying. I knew getting into this relationship that he had problems talking about his feelings, and that he gets moody. I guess I just hadn't really experienced it until now. During our talk I did explicitly say that for me, the emotional connection with a partner is just as important as the physical and that for me, the emotional connection is a huge turn-on. This was probably the first time where we both just openly talked about our feelings, our past, our desires and our fears. There had been other bits and starts, but this the first time where we just talked for hours. Another thing he had mentioned is that he wants to keep things fresh and exciting in our relationship, which I agree with him. With regards to the threesome, I clarified the request and his idea is to have someone come over and watch us. I've always been the kind of person to try most things once, so the idea sounded kinda hot to me. Plus, I've been trying to get him to open up more about things that turn him on, because he has always been a little reserved about turn on's, so I was happy that he felt comfortable bringing up the idea to me. And it wasn't a demand or a plea, it was definitly a question. On one hand, I feel like it could be fun to try and may bring us together. On the other, I worry that it might be awkward and draw us apart. At this point, I think it could be hot, but I feel like I'll just wait and see if he brings it up again. Thoughts????
This is my main thought about this. Threesomes can be a good idea for a couple, but it might not solve anything for you. Bringing a third person into a relationship is something that has to be consciously done. You have to talk about it, talk about what will happen after, and talk about how each person is feeling about the whole situation. What if after the threesome nothing changes? Then what? Will you do it again in the future? What happens if one person wants to do it again but the other doesn't? What are the rules once the threesome starts? How much can you interact with the third person? Those are questions that you guys should be asking yourselves. At the end its completely up to you and what you feel is better for your relationship. No one knows it better than you two. I would recommend considering couple therapy. It might help you guys navigate the rough spot that you are both dealing with right now.
Well the key is the fact that you two have actually talked about it. It's surprising how few couples will actually have that awkward conversation about sexual likes and dislikes. I've had a threesome before, and the relationship survived it just fine. The key is that it was something we were both sure we wanted to try out together, and we talked about it enough beforehand that we had established ground rules. I mean you can call it "Just being watched." but the fact is that as soon as you invite another body into the bedroom it becomes a threesome. I think the greatest challenge in any threesome in an otherwise monogamous relationship is selecting the third person. Because you want to avoid emotional investment. If I were to make a recommendation to a heterosexual couple it would be pretty easy: The guy chooses if it's with another guy, the girl chooses if it's with another girl. But adapting it for your situation, I would recommend finding a stranger together who has no potential for emotional investment such as a married bicurious guy (who has his wife's permission to experiment of course) experience in the swinging lifestyle would be an asset. So you could put in an add or a profile on an adult personals website, and interview couples (interviewing the whole couple is a good way to ensure he actually does have his wife's permission). Added: The upside to my selection process is obvious, that it minimizes the chance of trust issues. (because let's be honest, you don't need an actual affair for trust issues to destroy a relationship) The down side is that the guy's wife also becomes a party to any ground rules that are established.
From what I've heard from Dr. Drew, threesomes are never a good idea and they have a good chance of creating problems in a relationship.
It would be awkward if the "third-wheel" is a "friend that secretly plots on stealing your boyfriend from you". As much as I like to play the devil's advocate here, I have to say it will probably create more problems (jealousy) and discomfort (what if your bf or yourself is more turn on by the third wheel?). It makes me beg the question - Is your bf not happy with his sex life?
Well, when I first came out, I sort of had a weird threesome experience, in which we tried a sort of 3-way relationship thing. It was fun sexually, but it also made things twice as complicated. It was certainly an... interesting experiment haha ^)^ But in the end, our third person ended up deciding she wasn't gay after all, and me and my girlfriend stayed together. With that said, threesomes can be sexually fun, but they can complicate relationships, depending on the type of relationship. Is your relationship Traditional? Open? Abstract? New Age? Sexual? There are soo many different kind of relationships, even more so with homosexual relationships, and depending on the type of relationship you maintain, a threesome could either vastly improve the relationship, or obliterate it completely. If your relationship is Traditional, meaning you believe in complete and full monogamy, that two people should be togeather and only togeather forever. Or you are the jealous type, or he is the jealous type, even if it's just a little bit jealous, avoid threesomes. You might be able to talk the talk, but when time comes to walk the walk, it might destroy you and your relationship completely. At the same time, if you both of you could realize that neither of you can bare to see each other with another man, which would mean an awkward end to the threesome, but a beautiful new beginning to your relationship. The third option is you could go through with the option, have a lot of fun, and everything could work out perfectly well. Honestly, a threesome is a gamble, and only you and you're boyfriend can through the dice, just try to think about who you are as people, and how you would, realistically, feel seeing you're boyfriend with another man.
If you two are already having relationship issues, this doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Perhaps, if everything were going well, and it came up, maybe the dynamics of the situation would be different. I, obviously, don't know your BFs intentions, but if he is going behind your back and inviting people your friend over and you two sext other people, I think you should reconsider.
Clearly I have a lot to think about. I'm on the fence with the whole idea, but I don't want to do anything rash. I'm feeling more and more that if we were in a better place, and more secure with each other that it might be fun. But at this point, there are just too many unknowns. Thanks for the input!
They are never a good idea UNLESS you expect to have NO prolonged relationship with the other couple.
