Ok, this sounds so repetitive to me because I am having trouble navigating the site and have probably been posting in all the wrong places... Who knew my chaotic sense of direction would rule even online? So, here goes... I am 37 and just opening to the possibility that I might be gay. Wasn't I supposed to know this from infancy? There have been a few very open and somewhat painful discussions with my husband. (Not because he did anything but listen, just that it hurts to know I am hurting him. He does matter to me.) My husband is a minister, within a convention that has a specific policy against gay marriage. Don't know how many times I have squirmed through sermons about the 'abomination' of homosexuality. Surprisingly enough, though my husband believes differently than I do, he was supportive during our conversation. Said that he "respects my choice." He thinks that I am not really gay, but that my abusive past needs more purging (more counselling, prayer, or whatever). He has been more patient and loving since our talk. We have a 13 yr old daughter and it is important to me that she have all the stability and security I can possibly provide until she is on her own. My plan so far is to try and hold out (stay married) until then. It feels somewhat dishonest, and like I am expecting unreasonable things from my husband (though we have an agreement to ensure his needs are met). Right now that is looking like a long time. I feel that this whole situation is terribly unfair to my family- and to me, since I can't move on and live my own life without causing harm to them. So conflicted right now.
Hi, and selcome to EC. First, there are lots and lots of people that don't realize they're gay until later in life. I was one of them, and there are people here who haven't dealt with their sexuality issues until in their 40s and 50s and even later. Second, there are always exceptions, but there is very little evidence that abuse has any effect on one's sexual identity, and abuse seems to confuse sexual identity even less with women than with men. So while you're husband is entitled to his beliefs, they aren't rooted in any meaningful science. It's admirable that you want to provide for stability for your daughter, but I encourage you to find a therapist (not a religious-oriented one) with experience in LGBT issues to discuss that issue with; if you and your husband are together for 5 more years, during a formative time in your daughter's upbringing, and you are clearly not emotionally close (which will be obvious even if you do your best to hide it), there are some opinions that say it is better to be honest with the child and allow each of you to start developing meaningful lives than to maintain a facade. Likewise, you talk about your husband, saying you have an agreement to "ensure his needs are being met." If you're talking about sexual needs, my first question is... what about YOUR needs? They aren't any less important than his, but very often, abuse survivors have a very difficult time acknowledging their own needs, and also have a tendency to put the needs of others in front of their own. If this is an issue for you, it's something that I would encourage you to address, as it will be important for your own emotional, as well as sexual, health. I hope the above is helpful. Feel free to message me or any of the rest of the advisor team if you would like to talk more.
Howdy I'm Mike. I'm and Anglican priest in the United States. I am 47. I began coming out a year ago and came out to my wife very early. It has been quite a year. I know this is coming from a different direction than your situation but I'm happy to share anything that might be helpful.
Hey there Stageone, welcome to EC. First of all, one of my mom's friends was married with two kids when she realize she's gay. Everything turned out okay for her and I think she's living happily with her partner and sharing custody of her kids with her ex-husband. So you can definitely come out the other side of the hard parts of this and be happy. I don't have any advice or anything, but I thought that maybe that story might help a little (*hug*)
Thanks everyone. It helps a lot to hear others' experiences. I am coming to terms with myself and out of panic mode. It's funny, but I actually feel more at peace with myself now that I know I'm gay. Hope that feeling lasts... there will be some significant, long-term changes I need to make.
Yeah,there are many people like you.First of all, being in panic worst thing that you can do yourself.Its even worse than suicide.I have struggle with myself more than 10 years and still i am.When everybody living their life with all emotions, i turned into myself too much,depressed and lost many normal human feelings.I couldnt eat,sleep,laugh,focus on anything.I became obsessed about my sexuality and fears about it.I even lost 20 kg in such major depression.I decided to suicide couple of times, i probably know how to do it really well,i still have deathwish.Selfhatred and feeling guilty can kill your life.Unfortunatelly,we are not always who we want to be.Some people get depressed by not afford to buy t-shirt they want and some has problems like us.At least,you will see that u r much more mature than everyone.After all these time envy other people's life, all i get was selfhatred. About feelings,probably you will feel samethings back and forth.After some age, its kinda difficult to break your shell.However,after i struggle with myself this much, i really dont care about what others might think about me.(except my father) I think most difficult part not denying and try to accept it yourself.Inner homophobia is worst part of it. And you did right thing, i loved a woman so much (she was far,never see her in real) but i had to break up from her because i didnt want to hurt her later.I cried,hated myself for leaving her and all my dreams but i know i did right thing for her.And it would put me a lot of pressure again. (i did that mistake before) Welcome to EC.I just registered yesterday. (&&&)
Hi Mike (Padre411) I tried to send you a message, but not allowed yet. Can you tell me more about the process of coming out to a spouse- the transition period after you told her? I am being completely open with my husband and asking for his input in where we go from here. I don't want to dictate "I'm gay & this is what I'm going to do & how it's going to be" and leave him feeling powerless as well as betrayed/deceived. (Yes I do feel some guilt over the impact this will have on my husband & daughter). I let him know that I joined empty closets & that there is a straight spouse support group in case he was interested... (He is still hoping for a miracle, would prefer that I consult with someone to pray it out of me, and appeared dismayed that I am pursuing this.) My hope is that when the time comes to leave, he will have adjusted and we will be able to maintain a relationship that resembles something familial. Am I counting on miracles too? ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2011 at 11:24 AM ---------- Hi Misunderstood, Thanks for the welcome I also have a major depressive disorder & understand the cyclical nature of it which you describe though I have never experienced the weight loss benefits (sigh...) It is sad that you had to completely cut off a relationship with a woman you loved (even if 'not that way'). Makes me wonder if a friendship would have been possible if you came out. I'm guessing you might have wondered that too. There are no easy decisions are there? Your sexuality is one part of you. The decision you made was a hard one. It shows you to be a person of strength, character, self-awareness and caring. Hardly someone to be hated. It's always easier to see the positive in people other than ourselves, isn't it? I hope that EC will be the safe place you need to discover the many things to love in yourself. Peace & strength to you.
Thanks Im quite confused now and i dont want to force myself label as gay or straight now.I labeled myself as straight all my life and it caused me lost a lot of faith about myself.Im in a point that not into any serious relationship or marriage to prevent hurt somebody else accidently..I dont want to come out to her because she is not my girlfriend anymore and she is homophobic.Also she knows my relatives & best friend so it might cause problems. Once i told one of my girlfriend there is a possibility of being gay and she told my bestfriend that im gay and had sex with men.Also she blackmailed me if i dont send money,she would tell that story everyone.Best part of depression, (except losing weight you care less about what other people think about you.Always me,me,me :icon_bigg Always easier to advise,always easier say than do it,and see positive side in other people..Confusion is worst thing can happen.It makes you zombie,somebody else,a brick wall :lol: Inform us about whats happening. Wish you strenght & good luck
Hey welcome to EC, there are many people here with stories like yours and with experiences to share, whilst I havent been through what you are going through, you have my sympathies it must be so hard but I can tell you that there will always be people on EC to help and support you through it, and you will come out the otherside.
Hi welcome to EC everyone has advice on this situatuion but i have to say i cant STAND religion its sooo prejudice its unbelievable !
