1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Looking for a little light

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bibliophile, Feb 8, 2011.

  1. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Well I can start off with saying I never thought that I would come to a place like this let alone for the reasons I am here today. At the age of 25 its a little much to be sorting out the fact that I am indeed Bisexual is hard to say the least.
    Currently I am in the Military and will be out shortly. Clearly no one at work can know the truth and its a fact that I have been keeping low for the last year. Not only did the DADT rules ensure that I had to keep silent but being a ship at sea well it would not be exactly safe to be open. Now this alone wouldn't be so bad but my family also doesn't know. They are hardcore Catholics and I doubt they would take it well. My mother would likely accept it over time but I don't know what way my father would go. The rest of my family well I just am not sure and don't know if I want to find out.

    I reached the conclusion that I was Bi a little over a year and a half ago. Now it wasn't my first sexual encounter with another male but it was the first I could clearly see I went along with and even encouraged. You see a little over 3 years ago when I was going through a rough divorce after my wife cheated on me a gay friend in San Diego let me stay at his place because I couldn't take my shipmates trying to get me out and into strip clubs and such. Well that first weekend I was insanely hammered when he picked me up from the bar and while pouring out the whole messed up situation to him he hugged me and then turned it into a little more... nothing more then fooling around but enough to have me book it and not speak to him for a week once I sobered up. I wasn't exactly mad as well I know him and he tends to be a little hands on in helping people work out emotional issues. Then like I said a little over a year ago I met a tourist in a bar out here in Japan that I ended up going to a hotel with. I was again drunk but this time I could not like to myself. I sought it out and I did enjoy it. It took a lot to admit that I am attracted to other men as well as women but that's slowly coming along.

    However now I am due to separate from the military at the end of my contract and I am headed home. My friends and family back home know nothing about any of this save for my best friend from high school and another good friend I made while in the military. So here is where I get torn. I mean on the one hand whose business is it but mine? But then I am really leaning towards exploring more then a drunken grope fest with another guy and don't want to have to slink around about it.

    On top of all this the sort of guys that I find myself drawn to tend to be ultra feminine even to the point of wearing woman's clothing on occasion. For some reason the duality of it attracts me. How my family and friends would take this I can only imagine. I am just at a loss on how to even go about broaching that with them.

    My final issue is that I am still some what doubting about all this. I mean the only two encounters I had where when really drunk. But I know what my head and my body tell me. Yet despite that when I think about honestly going for it sober it scares the crap out me. I don't know why, when its all in my head it seems fine but to make it real. I get shaky thinking about it.

    In short I just have no clue where I stand any more and talking to the people that I have always counted on seems like a no go at this point. Any advice, any thoughts would be of great help.....
     
  2. Kidd

    Kidd Guest

    If you like men and women, that's ok. If you like feminine guys, that's alright too. If you want to explore it then I definitely think that you should. You don't only come out to your friends and family, but you have to come out to yourself too and that will only come with time. Just give it some patience. It gets better, I promise. (*hug*)

    You should tell people that you know you can trust and will be accepting, and then ask them to keep it a secret for now. They can and will be your support network. You can go to them and talk about it and that way you won't be slinking around and you won't be carrying this enormous secret inside of you. They might even be willing to go to a bar or something with you too or something like that. If I read your post correctly, you've already done one of the hardest parts and told the first people. Hang out here on EC. There are a ton of people here who are waiting to help you.

    I personally don't think that you should mention any of this to your family just yet. If you're not totally comfortable with it then you're definitely not ready to handle any reaction that they might have. It might be positive though, you never know. Sometimes even the most devoutly religious people have a change of heart when someone close to them comes out. Just forget about your family's reaction for a while and really focus on yourself. You're putting a ton of unneeded stress on yourself and I think it might be clouding your judgment.
     
  3. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Thank you....for some reason hearing its ok made things a tiny bit easier. I dont know why I needed to hear that, never needed to hear it before but this time it just meant something more.
    Still doesnt settle my confusion on the above issue of why the idea scares me when I want to explore that option so badly. Frankly I might question being gay and not bi if I didnt enjoy what I had with my previous female lovers and significant others so much. Both emotionally and physically that is. However for the moment I really want to be with a guy and yet that scars the crap out of me. I dont understand why when I usually just go for what I want but it does. Well baby steps I guess.
     
    #3 Bibliophile, Feb 8, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2011
  4. All of this^ and also, EC is an excellent place for support and even just talking to people who have been where you are. or ARE where you are. (*hug*)
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    First off, be aware that very few people think or hope that they'll end up gay or bi. I don't think any of us signed up for it. We simply discovered that we were. And it's the accepting and embracing of that side of us when we find peace and happiness in it.

    >>>They are hardcore Catholics and I doubt they would take it well. My mother would likely accept it over time but I don't know what way my father would go. The rest of my family well I just am not sure and don't know if I want to find out.

    My father's Catholic, my mother is Episcopalian (Catholic Lite - a third less guilt!). They took it great. My father needed a night to sort of get his mind around the idea, but he recognized that I was being true to myself, and he wished me well. Now my partner is as much a part of the family as my sister's husband and my brother's wife. I have plenty of cousins in rural Wisconsin, and I went back there for a family reunion of sorts last summer, completely out and completely open. Nobody had an issue with it. :slight_smile: Your mileage may vary, of course, but know that it IS possible.

    >>>My final issue is that I am still some what doubting about all this. I mean the only two encounters I had where when really drunk. But I know what my head and my body tell me. Yet despite that when I think about honestly going for it sober it scares the crap out me. I don't know why, when its all in my head it seems fine but to make it real. I get shaky thinking about it.

    You know what this reminds me of? Karaoke. Swear to God. I know people who go to karaoke nights, but refuse to get anywhere near that stage until they've had at least four drinks. Part of it is nervousness, but part of it is so they'll have something to lean back on. "Oh, I totally embarrassed myself by doing that Meatloaf song. I'll never have that many margaritas again!" To which I usually say something along the lines of "Bullshit. You want to sing? Go up there and sing. And if you suck at it, you suck at it. Do it because you want to."

    And I'm guessing you're in the same kind of spot. As long as you can "blame the alcohol", you've left yourself an out. "Dude, I was so drunk!" And perhaps you were. But most drunk guys don't find other guys to go snog or have sex with. :slight_smile: So start working on accepting it. Don't hide behind the crutch of alcohol. If you enjoy having sex with guys, killer - enjoy it. Enjoy enjoying it. It's about five hundred times better when you can just leap into it without having to justify it to yourself (or anybody else). :slight_smile:

    >>>On top of all this the sort of guys that I find myself drawn to tend to be ultra feminine even to the point of wearing woman's clothing on occasion. For some reason the duality of it attracts me. How my family and friends would take this I can only imagine. I am just at a loss on how to even go about broaching that with them.

    Do they need to know? I mean, yeah, my parents know I'm gay, but they don't know any of my sexual preferences. I don't tell them "Yeah, I'm mainly a top" or "I really enjoy a good 69". So I don't see any need to tell them what kind of guy I'm into. Sure, you might end up dating a rather effeminate guy - serious enough that you'll want to "take him home to meet the folks". But at that point, he's not "one of your sexual preferences". He's your friggin' boyfriend. He's the guy you're currently dating and (presumably) in love with. He's a human being, and presumably they'll treat him as such. :slight_smile:

    It sounds like you're on the right path. Keep going. And once you're out of the service, I'd say go on with your gay (well, bi) self. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. Ethan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2010
    Messages:
    2,447
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Metro Detroit, Michigan
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First off, what makes you think it is bad?
    Are these thoughts just from your family and upbringing?
    I have found that the best way to demolish fears and insecurities about being gay is to target these fears directly and read about them. Lots of questioning people have come before you, wondering the same things. "If I'm gay, will I go to hell?" "Will I lose everybody I love and be thrown out to the streets?"
    If you have had bisexual feelings and have acted upon them before, you know you are bi, but nobody else (except for the guys) knows it. Why should telling family members a small fact about who you are change what they think of you? You may be bi, but you are so much more than that.
     
  7. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Thanks everyone. I really needed an outside perspective. After some time out at sea I spoke to my buddy back home and he told me I was being foolish. He told me that even if my family flips and it goes the worst way I can imagine I still have a place to go. That alone made me feel a lot more relaxed about it.
    I really am not sure why this worries so badly I mean I have to live for me and unlike my family I am not religious and yet some how I feel slightly guilty about it all. Its like I know there is nothing wrong with what I am doing but in the back of my head I question that. Has anyone else dealt with with or happen to have insight on why I might feel like that?
     
  8. I get this sometimes. My explanation for it (at least in my case) is that being LGBT is not always accepted. People are all over the place shouting about how wrong you are to make the decision to act on any queer impulse. You're part of a minority and lots of people will fault you for it, saying that you chose.

    So it's like this, I guess.

    They think you are bad because you chose to be bisexual and that you ruin things because of it.
    You didn't choose to be bisexual.
    Thus, you are not bad and will not ruin anything by being who you are.

    This is what I tell myself when I find that I'm feeling guilty. The "problem" of my sexuality is not created by me. It's created by people who are against it.

    I love, they hate me for it. Who's in the wrong?

    So I come to the same conclusion every time. I can't be wrong for loving. That is not wrong. There is nothing to feel guilty about and I should just calm down.

    Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
  9. padre411

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2010
    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southwestern US
    First, this is a great place to begin those conversations. Second, I can help with the Catholic conversation if you'd like to pursue that.

    The bottom line is that you are who God made you to be. The journey before you is living into that truth.
     
  10. Lebowski45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2010
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    UK
    I agree with what everyone's being saying, this site is really helpful for talking about these things when you feel like there's no one else to talk to. I'd just like to add that I too took a long while to accept being gay, but I got there in the end and you will too. Its all about opening yourself up and becoming comfortable with who you are. You're bisexual and there's nothing wrong with that, neither is there anything wrong in the type of person you're attracted to.

    Also, I'm Catholic, my whole family are, particularly my Mum and Dad. I always thought they wouldn't understand and wouldn't approve but you know what? They accepted me. Why? Because I'm their son and they love me. I'm not guarenteeing that they will instantly accept it but I'm pretty sure that if they love you they will also support you. Because that's what parents do. Most parents just want to see their children being happy. Honestly, I wouldn't assume that because someone is Catholic they're homophobic. In my experience, most Catholics don't agree with the Church's teachings on this (not to mention other issues).

    I hope this site continues to prove useful and things work out. Things always get better with time :slight_smile:
     
  11. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Again thanks all for helping me make sense of it all. I just have so many questions that I have been having a hard time figuring out. And really I have no one with any experience going through this to talk to up until now. I mean my buddy asked me this and he really didn't mean to sound offensive or anything but it came down to if I also like men why do I want someone that's feminine? I just didn't know how to answer that. I mean I've got no clue. Then again why do people fall for redheads or whatever. Even more then that why the heck has it take me this long to see that I am Bi but might be leaning more towards wanting to be with a guy? How does one even go about broaching that with your parents. I mean with my buddy him and his fiance at that time happened to see me eye another dude and she asked me right out if I liked guys. I said yes because they both were people I would trust with my life. She just laughed and told me all it meant was I am greedy and want the best of both worlds. Man if she hadn't passed away she would be a rock as she always had the best advice......
     
  12. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    >>>I mean my buddy asked me this and he really didn't mean to sound offensive or anything but it came down to if I also like men why do I want someone that's feminine? I just didn't know how to answer that. I mean I've got no clue. Then again why do people fall for redheads or whatever.

    Precisely. I mean, does EVERY straight guy want a really feminine woman? Don't some guys like a more athletic type, or a more "tough" woman? You like what you like, and damn good, too, because there are millions of effeminate gay guys out there who have had to endure ignorant gay (and straight) guys sniffing "Why would I be interested in you? I want a MAN." So just like what you like.

    >>>Even more then that why the heck has it take me this long to see that I am Bi but might be leaning more towards wanting to be with a guy?

    There are all sorts of answers I could give here, but let me give you an analogy instead. Let's say you suddenly realize you're at the gates of Disneyland, with a ticket in your hand, and it's two in the afternoon. You might spend some time agonizing over why the hell you didn't know you were at Disneyland, and could've been in there for the last four hours enjoying it, and trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Or you could get your ass into Disneyland and have a good time.

    My advice? Get your ass into Disneyland and have a good time. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  13. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    LOL what if the mascots scare the crap out of me? I know I have been asking a ton of random questions it just good to get all the stuff in my head out somewhere even if it all seems easily answered once I read it. Thanks for the support so far everyone.
     
  14. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    I am a femme, which I intend here to mean not only that I am a lesbian in the typical range of femininity, but also that the people I am most attracted to are butches--or at least, masculine females, however they identify. (This, I am finding, is a somewhat antiquated use of "femme.") I have also only come out to myself really in the last few years. Thus, I think that you and I have a lot in common: we are both gender conforming people attracted to gender variant people of the same sex, and we have both discovered this rather late.

    In considering what took me so long in figuring it out, there were a lot of personal things I won't go into. But there's also this: if you like feminine women, or masculine men, you have a lot of examples around you all the time, to help you figure it out. Either of those categories will include a significant proportion of the people you encounter every day, and both types are plastered everywhere as sexual objects by the media. But if you are naturally attracted to masculine women, or feminine men, then the case is very different. If you aren't involved in the gay community in some way, there is no reason that you would encounter such people with any regularity, or in great numbers; what's more, the media rarely portrays them at all, and virtually never as sexual or romantic figures. Mostly, they are lampooned as ridiculous, and pointed mention is often made of their unattractiveness. How are you supposed to recognize in yourself a pattern of attraction to a type of person you encounter so rarely?

    I also wanted to say something regarding your embarrassment about liking feminine men.

    There is something you must understand, to whatever extent you don't already. You have said that you like feminine men, that you are attracted to the duality of it. But for this very quality that appeals to you, they are relentlessly persecuted. And I will not lie to you: for loving them, you will also be persecuted, including sometimes receiving the scorn of other gay and bisexual people.

    But you should not be ashamed. To be able to say to someone, "this thing, this part of you, for which you have been called names, for which you have been scorned and mocked, spit on, and beaten, and told you are worthless, for which your very life is sometimes threatened, I think this quality in you is beautiful;" to be able to say, "I love you, not in spite of this, but, in significant part, because of it;" to be able to give such profound and necessary solace to another person, while speaking the earnest truth from your heart, this is a noble, worthy thing. It is worth doing, whatever unpleasantness you, or I, may face because of it--and, far from being something to be ashamed of, it is just cause for pride.
     
  15. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Ianthe thank you for the insights I had not thought things that way. Does anyone have any advice on how to broach the subject with my parents or even friends for that matter? I mean my best friend and defacto brother knows but that's because his fiance guessed and asked me in front of him. So I have never really brought the subject up. Any tips or resources would be of great help.
     
  16. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If the subject is "me being bi", your best bet is the direct method. Tell them. You might send them an e-mail or write something out for them to read. You basically want to get a few points across - you've given this a lot of thought, you've come to this realization, you've spent a lot of time coming to grips with it, and you're ready to start living like this openly. Also, you love them, and if they have any questions, you're willing to answer them. :slight_smile:

    If it's the "I'm attracted to effeminate men" bit, again, I don't think that's important.

    Lex
     
  17. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    LOL I meant the "me being bi" subject. you are right about the rest I just was rambling off about various worries I had at the time and that was one of them. I think now that if they can accept that I like guys what kind of guys I like will be of little concern. Even if it is well they have disliked people I dated in the past to meh. Sorry about the confusion I just tend to ramble when stressed.
    I will start trying to write out a rough draft of what I want to say prior to getting out of the military within the next month. However I think I may have to wait till I move into my own place to give it to them simply because I doubt I will be able to work up the courage to do so when I am dependent on them for housing till I am on my feet again.