Hey all, I'm frustrated. I have been out as gay to my family, friends, pretty much anyone who asks for about the last two years. While it has been a relief to tell those around me who I am and how I feel, I feel still affected by the 6 years I spent in the closet (from 7th grade to College) where I did not tell anyone I was gay and had this huge weight that bogged me down. I still feel powerful effects from the time I spent living my lie. In order to cope, I mastered the art of making excuses, staying on the fringe while socializing (never letting anyone too close) and preoccupying myself with school and extracurriculars to distract myself and others from my sexuality. I never opened up to anybody (including my parents) and always felt distant, somehow separate from the rest of my classmates. I didn't disagree with people because I knew that if I just went along with things no one would question my sexuality. I didn't feel like I could express intrest in the things I liked because people might associate the activities, books, and people I actually liked with me being gay. Because of these 5 years of blending in and hiding, I find it extremely hard, even today, to create a sense of self and self worth and share intimate feelings with those I am close to. No matter what the request, I can't say no to people, disagree, or turn them down because thats how I lived my life for so long. It just feels natural. It sucks, because it creates a lot of unnecessary stress in my life and makes the relationship with my current boyfriend extremely difficult. He has to pry and beg for me to share personal feelings and opinions especially when my thoughts disagree with his. I just feel very dependent and unable to express how I feel without having a ton of anxiety. I'm not sure why I behave like this and it is not comfortable. I am just wondering if other people have advice on how to drop these certainly self-destructive habits or have had experiences like this in their own life. I'm tired of feeling like dependent on others and scared to stick out. Thanks
I'm going through quite a bit of what you are. One thing to consider - are these issues due to being closeted or was being closeted a result of these issues? I'm asking the same question. Read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder And here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder and see if either of these click.
I guess some of the things in Avoidant Personality disorder kind of click with me but I just don't know how to change them. It sort of just feels like there are parts of my brain that are effectively shut down. Like, I don't know how to access or share them with other people. I don't know what causes this fear... As for being in the closet causing or being an effect of these issues, I have no idea. It seems to me that these issues happened around the same time and its difficult to separate them. How does one change their behavior after hiding for so long? I want to be assertive again and not hide from the people around me.
With work. Plain and simple. But it can be done. When I finally got into therapy I was a shell of a person. I had withdrawn SO MUCH that I couldn't identify with my own emotions - never mind share them with someone else. I was hard pressed to describe how I was feeling myself. That was 4 years ago. I worked with a therapist for 2 years - at first twice a week, and eventually once a month before I stopped going completely. (And you may not need all that. I was dealing with my orientation, my marriage ending, my addiction, etc. I was a big ugly mess.) My therapist helped me reflect on things and consider how I could have handled situations differently. He simply helped me rediscover who I was. It was pretty remarkable. So it can be done. Seeking the help of a professional will probably make it happen sooner than otherwise. Good luck.
1. One question - do you ever pay excessive attention to people around you and their reactions? According to the literature (and something that I've found to be uncomfortable but true), in avoidants the primary emotion is fear of rejection. Fear that what we say will be taken negatively, no matter how positive it is. For example, offering someone a compliment? "They might think we're hitting on them, and thus could be awkward." Something neutral? "They might think I'm nitpicking". and so on. Which leads us to... 2. How do you get over it? I still am, and I'm 28. I've managed to pick away at my issues one by one, slowly. While I still have difficulty communicating, It's helped immensely that I've found ways to do so that I'm more comfortable with. For example, I'm much better at forcing myself to put stuff in writing (As I'm doing here, only with people I know ) and communicating that way. I also do a lot of artwork, and enjoy graphic design and music production, as well as occasionally play percussion in a jam band. Recently, I've started doing things to try to improve my self-image, which was previously down near the "leper" end of the scale. When you start looking at yourself as someone that YOU would like to be with (and honestly believing it! This part's important!), then your confidence magically transfers to others. It's shocking how quick it is, but it works. And it takes work - buy some new jeans, try a new haircut, call yourself "cute" every time you see yourself in a mirror etc. Last bit of advice is to look to someone you can open up to. This site is a great (amazing even) start, but you should find someone. Even if it's a therapist. I'm around here every morning at least if you need to chat.
You sound a lot like me - even down to the little details about what hobbies you wouldn't let others in on for fear they'd make a connection. I'm even from Mass. too =P Try talking to your boyfriend about one of those books or activities you enjoyed, but were never able to get excited about with another person. Start small - think about the things that you found happiness in, and realize that since you're technically not coping with being in the closet anymore, you technically don't need to hide your enthusiasm anymore. Easier said than done, for sure, since there are plenty of barriers there, but I find that expression comes easier and more naturally when you have a degree of passion or positive emotion about it. For example - when I was in the closet (7th grade to my first semester of college (zomg)) I loved certain styles of electronic music (trance, house, some vocal stuff) but I never shared that interest with anyone because I thought they would immediately catch on that I was gay. (techno =\= gay only, but I was young and dumb lol) It wasn't until much later...after I had come out, that I took a small chance and said to a friend "hey, what do you think of this?" and I had them listen to some of that music. Turned out, they already had an interest in the same kind of music (which I never would have pegged them for) and we were able to talk about it comfortably. I was able to articulate exactly what I liked, and in doing so I was "sharing myself" with them. Your boyfriend would be a good person for this, since he's interested in you already (and sounds like he wants to know more about you). The same thing happened a lot after that with the other hobbies I had kept hidden and eventually I (and others) learned I was more of a closet geek than a closet-homo =D When it comes to feelings, I find it takes a bit more time to flesh out how I'm really feeling, and to find the right words. Maybe a different format of expression would suit you? Writing sometimes brings things out easier than talking - and then after you write it, read it out loud to yourself and see how it sounds. I'm positive that you understand this idea that you don't need to hide anymore, you just need to recognize it when you resort to those behaviors, and start making corrections as you go.
What you describe sounds like me a lot. If I had to define my social interactions with others, it usually comes down to me trying to be everyone's best friend by being as unobtrusive as possible (and simultaneously being convinced everyone secretly hates me behind my back anyway...) I think it's independant of being gay or not, but the two probably make each other worse. Not being able to be open makes you stay in the closet longer, which feeds back into being more hesitant etc Changing it does take a lot of work, but it can be done. The trick is to make baby steps. Start opening up on minor things. Things that don't matter in the greater scheme. Your boyfriend wants to see a movie? Then tell him which one you'd like to pick. Want to go eat something with a friend? Then propose a restaurant you know. Someone asks you what you did today? Then tell him about how you were totally engrossed in this awesome book you just bought. Those are very minor things, but they go a long way to easing you in to the thought that your thoughts matter and have an influence. Also, it helps to take the initiative sometimes. Don't be the one that goes along, but the one that asks other people out. If there's a friend that you haven't talked to in a long time: message him and say you want to catch up. Propose a time and a place. By taking initiative in little things you can learn to take charge more and more. Also, learn to focus on the good moments. the ones that made you feel good and accepted. that time you got a compliment from a friend about how you helped him out. That moment where your boss told you you did a good job. That moment where you found out that guy you liked liked you back, because he thinks you're awesome. In my experience, after practicing to relive those moments, and knowing they prove that people like you for who you are, it becomes easier and easier to draw upon them when you're feeling a bit insecure. Sharing emotions can be tough. For starters, don't feel compelled to be emotional either. (Speaking for myself, my emotional repertoire is stuck between "amused" and "slightly annoyed", with very few highs and lows outside of that. So there's relatively little to show). Maybe stick to describing them in vague terms at first, and then move on to really letting them show through. The most important thing is to never lose hope. You came a long way, already. You went from being closeted to being out. You managed to find a boyfriend, which (I guess) takses some degree of being open already. That's rather huge steps already, I'd say. Those next steps might take some time and relapses are common (there are days when I completely go back to being a hermit and avoiding any incoming calls or messages), but in the bigger picture you're making steps to advancement!
While I can't offer any personal advice, I can suggest you check out this web site on working through anxiety and other disorders. Hopefully it helps, good luck I'm sure things will get better. http://helpguide.org/topics/emotional_health.htm
Here's some more reading on avoidance: http://www.avoidantpersonality.com/medical/index-articles.htm#The%20Avoidant%20Personality
