Drug abuse

I hate to say this, but if someone "tried" several grams of crystal meth and "couldn't remember" how much they had, it is probable that there's a problem, and depending on the circumstances, there may be more going on that he's letting on.

Did he voluntarily come to you and say "I want you to know that I tried crystal meth" or did you discover it accidentally, or by someone telling you? If you found out other than by his coming to you and telling you, it is pretty likely that the "trying" he described wasn't the first time, and as Derek said, meth, along with heroin and, to a lesser extent, cocaine, are among the most addictive drugs there are.

*If* this was really the first time he did it, then it's possible he didn't like it, but I have heard from many meth addicts that they knew they were addicted (psychologically) the first time they tried it, because the effect is so powerful.

If you expect to get an honest answer, Derek's approach won't work, because it's a leading question that will likely elicit the response you're looking for, rather than an honest answer. Instead, you can ask him "What was the experience like for you" or "How did it make you feel" or some more neutrally worded question, and go from there. But the important thing is to try to avoid showing strong judgment, because then he will either close down or lie to you or both.

The challenge here is getting honesty. Drug users in general, but particularly meth, heroin, and cocaine users, learn to lie constantly and consistently, to their loved ones and everyone else. They know what they are doing is wrong, and the drug can quickly hijack the reasoning centers in the brain.

The good news is, if this is really a first time, it is possible it's experimentation, it's possible that he didn't like it, and it may not be as serious as it sounds. But regardless of what he tells you, you'll need to watch carefully because if it wasn't the first time, and he does have a problem, it is almost certain that he won't want to be honest with you about it.

You can help him most by being supportive and encouraging him to be in settings where drugs aren't around, and by telling him you love him. If you find more information/evidence that implies there's a problem, follow up because there are more steps you can take to help, but ultimately it is a decision that he has to make.

 

OK, not to be harsh here, but it sounds like you, and maybe he, are a bit in denial over the nature of the situation. if he "tried" it before and "managed to quit" and then "went back to it", that doesnt' sound like someone who did it once or twice. It sounds to me like he has an addiction to crystal meth, but has been clean for a while.

There are two really important issues here, which may conflict with one another.

The first is you, and your emotional health and safety. The second is his emotional and physical health.

The rest of my post is going to assume that my quick-and-dirty assessment is correct. It may not be. But crystal meth is among the most addictive of all drugs, and among the most difficult to kick permanently.

If my assessment is correct, then he has a problem, and one that is not easy to solve by oneself. The catch is, unless he really acknowledges it is a problem, and that he needs help with it, he is unlikely to be able to solve it. And statistically, he is also unlikely to be able to stay clean. So the challenge is to lovingly and caringly have a conversation with him and discuss it, and see if he is ready to acknowledge the problem and seek help. If he isn't, or does so only begrudgingly and after cajoling from you, then he isn't ready, and nothing you or anyone else can do will likely help him until he's ready.

But even more important than what's going on for him is what's going on for you. It is an utterly thankless, frustrating, and usually unsuccessful undertaking to try to help an addict who isn't fully embracing the desire for sobriety. It is also nearly impossible to have an honest relationship with an addict, since lying pretty much comes with the territory. So you need to really think seriously about *yourself* and be able to put yourself and your needs first, because an addict will never put another's needs before his own.

I would suggest that both of you talk seriously about this, and consider attending NA together. Whether he has a serious addiction, or just a budding one, attending NA is a great way to develop some healthy friendships with sober friends, to learn about the attributes that go along with addiction and how to improve your life. And you can learn through Al-Anon meetings (a group run by AA/NA for families of addicts) about the issues of being in a relationship with someone with substance abuse problems, and ways you can remain healthy and sane.

I hope for your sake that I'm misjudging the situation and it isn't as serious as I'm guessing it is. In any case, I wish you and your friend the best. Please keep us in the loop, and if you want to talk more privately, feel free to PM me.

 

ok, from what you've said, I'm going to go a little more out on a limb with more assumptions, and some suggestions arising from those.

Your description of your friend (ex-bf, i guess?) pegs him as a dependent type. I would guess he has major self-esteem problems, which is why he feels like he can't be self-sufficient, and the self-hate leads to the drug use. I would also guess that your relationship with him was very unbalanced, with you doing most of the "giving" and supporting.

If that's the case, it's a classic codependent relationship, which is unhealthy both for him, and for you. As long as you and others are there to "save" him and support him, he'll never learn to stand on his own and solve his own problems, which just makes his self-esteem worse. And the low self esteem leads to self-hatred, for which the drugs serve as an escape. Crystal meth in particular is evil that way, because it can provide an artificial sense of confidence and security, but the "come down" from it leaves the user feeling even worse than they did at the start.

Your harsh reaction is understandable, and typical of someone with a caretaker/codependent personality. I've been there myself. It's because, when the person you're helping fails, you feel like YOU have failed, and it hurts very deeply; that's part of the unhealthy codependency cycle.

You actually didn't fuck up. You reacted normally for who you are, based on your experiences. And the only way he will be able to get into a healthier place is if all of the people around him stop enabling him and encourage him to get help. But HE has to want to do that, and HE has to be willing to take the steps for help by himself. You can support him and encourage him, but you can't make him do it. And the hints he's dropping are probably way more than hints. He's setting up justification for falling back into his old habits, and honestly, unless *he* decides to change, there isn't much anyone can do about it.

If the resources are there for him to go to therapy, that is another excellent idea, as in his case, it's unlikely that he will be able to stay clean unless he works on his self-esteem issues. If that isn't an option, then AA is a good second choice. (AA is good whether or not he's also in therapy.)

The very best thing you can do for him -- AND FOR YOU -- right now is to start going to Al-Anon meetings yourself. This is a group for families and friends of addicts and will help you learn how you can best help him. Even if he doesn't go to AA or doesn't approve of your going to Al-Anon, you will benefit from it, and it will help you understand and be able to help yourself, and maybe to help him also.

I hope that helps.