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Feeling Hurt and Depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HeronsStorm, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. HeronsStorm

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    Alright... I'm going to try to make this short. Shorter than it could be, anyway. Two or so years ago I admitted to myself I like girls. Two or so weeks ago I realized that I may be a FTM (obviously the story is longer than that, but I don't want to explain that here). I started testing it out in private. However, three or so days ago, I was basically forced to come out to my mom about me 'transitioning' in private and why I was doing it. The reason I hadn't told her at first was because I'm not COMPLETELY sure myself, though I'm starting to become more assured.

    Last night we had dinner. I could tell it was going to be a serious talk because she was quiet the entire time and wouldn't really laugh or smile at any of my jokes or teasing. We got into the talk, and when asked to explain WHY I would do something like this, I tried my best to explain it. I asked why she used makeup, and she said because she's old and has wrinkles. I said she's not satisfied with how she looks on the outside. That's the same with me, I'm not satisfied with what's on the outside and I'm trying to look like what's on the inside (though a bit more serious). Let me take some of the things she said at dinner, because after that it went in a blur and only snippets of conversation got through to me. It's not in order, but still.

    She said the emotional turmoil I'm causing her is worse than her divorce (where she almost killed herself).

    She said I'm ruining my life.

    She said this is the kind of thing people get locked up for (in the loony bin).

    She said I'm trying to be something I'm not.

    She's said that she's left me with too much time to myself and internet and that's what caused this.

    She said I shouldn't talk with other FTM's because everyone out in the world is a liar, including them.

    She said I shouldn't have even told my best friend. The one who's keeping me from collapsing.

    She's making an appointment with our clinic for a full physical check up on me, like testing hormone levels to make sure it's not a hormone imbalance causing these thoughts.

    She's making appointments with a therapist.

    She says I can't ever tell grandparents, dad, anyone one his side of the family, and of her friends. (She thinks I'm selfish enough not to have thought of the pain this would cause other people?!)

    She looked at me... I felt like she was completely detached when she talked to me. I felt like to her I was nothing.

    I... I couldn't finish dinner after that. I was sick and nearly threw up, so I had to excuse myself from the table and escape ouside. I stayed out till about ten at night because I didn't want to go home and see her again. I know what she's trying to adjust, especially since I gave NO sign of it otherwise (I'm effective at pretending)... but it just hurts. It hurts a lot.
     
  2. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi there :slight_smile:

    I am sorry your mother reacted like this to the fact you might be FTM (*hug*). I understand it hurts, and you are entitled to feel angry and sad. Try to keep in mind that it took you until now to adjust to the idea you might be transgender, it is going to take more than an evening to your mother to adjust with the fact he daughter is in fact a boy, especially if she is not educated on that matter as her comment on transgendered people being locked up suggests. Maybe you can print some PFLAG material and give it to her. If you want your mother to understand what you are going through and to be supportive, it's important that you educate her on transgender issues.
    Don't be agressive with this either, it can take time before she'll be ready even to consider the idea to inform herself and for the time being she probably just don't want to hear about it anymore. You can't force her, but let her know you're ready to answer any question she may have, and that you need her to be supportive (even if she can't be right now).
    It might not be such a bad idea to see a therapist. They can help you deal with your issues, transitionning is not an easy path to take and I'm sure you'll need some support. Maybe try to contact an LGBT association in your area, they might be able to refer you to an LGBT friendly therapist .
    Also, remember that who you want to decide to come out is not your mother business. If you want to come out to your friends, or other familly members, especially your father, it's not up to her to decide it's not suitable. I think it's important that you get some support. Maybe you can consider joining an LGBT support group in your area or your school GSA if there is one.
    I may be not the most qualified staff member to discuss your issues with, but feel free to PM me anytime if you want to, or any other advisors.
    Take care and hold on, Cécile
     
  3. HeronsStorm

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    Yeah... I actually wanted to get my hands on a therapist who may be experienced with FTM's, as well as an appointment with our doctor to talking about the medical side of transgenders. But the way she talked about it made it sound like... like I had some sort of disease, y'know? I think that's why it hurt.

    And yeah, I'm not going to be too aggressive with it. As a parent I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through, since I've been her 'baby girl' for sixteen years now. It must feel like I've shattered with a sledge hammer all the pre-conceptions she had of my future. Which must really suck. Right now though I'm just doing my best to keep the guilt and shame that I feel like she's subconciously trying to put on me away and keep doing what I feel is right.

    Unfortunantly, there's no LGBT group I can find in my town, or anywhere that's less than an hour away. :/ And unfortunantly I can't drive until halfway through the summer when I have my license. AND my school has no GSA.

    Right now I think she's going through the five stages of denial... Friday morning, night, and Saturday morning she pretended like I wasn't dressing the way I was. I got a great picture of us Friday night doing our weekly Friday routine of goofing off and playing Mario kart or wii bowling. I'm guessing last night she just hit the anger stage, and it caught me off guard because it was so sudden after such a previously good night. For now I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up, though I doubt I'm going to get over some of the comments she made anytime soon.
     
  4. Eleanor Rigby

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    Your mother probably have a lot of misconceptions on what being transgender means. Most straight people are completly uneducated on that matter. For the time being, she probably thinks she is doing the right thing trying to protect you against yourself. I think it's why you need other people on board, if possible a therapist specialized in these questions.
    I completly understand it hurts that your mother behave as if you have a disease, but you KNOW it's not a disease. Your mother needs some time to accept the situation, but hopefully she'll be able to learn and to be supportive. Give her some time. And on the side of this, keep doing what's right for yourself (starting to see a therapist, coming out to who you feel comfortable coming out to, dressing the way you want...).
    Take care (*hug*)
     
  5. Sylver

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    There's no question that this is a difficult time for you, so I'm going to offer you lots of sympathy! (*hug*) (*hug*)

    I won't try to justify your mother's reaction, but for your own sake I'd like you to look at it objectively, just so that you can see that it's not unexpected and it's not your doing. I know how some parents can react to discovering that their children are gay or lesbian, and this can be even more of a shock to them. Remember that your mother gave birth to you and raised you from the cradle to where you are now. She had lots of time to develop her dreams for you, wanting to give you a happy life free of trouble and complications. Your revelation is challenging all of this. No, it's not your fault and yes she should be more understanding, but I hope that at least you can see her reaction from her perspective.

    You hit her with a shock to her system. Now you have to give her time to adjust to what she has learned about you. She's going to have to modify her expectations for your life, and she's going to have to come to a new understanding of you as a transgendered person. She's also going to have to come to terms with any of her own homophobia and fear of transgenders. You are obviously aware of how full your plate is right now with all that's on it, now try and see how full her plate just got as well without her even asking for it. That doesn't mean that what you did is wrong, but she may see it as something she didn't ask for.

    None of this means that she doesn't love you any more, only that she was unable to handle her own emotions and reaction. Give her time to absorb what she's learned and to integrate it into her understanding of you. Load her up with resources on transgendered individuals and help her learn what it means and what it doesn't mean. Make the offer to talk with her about it whenever she wants. She may look totally uninterested in continuing the conversation at this point, but as she comes to see that you're serious and this isn't some whimsical fancy of yours, she'll begin to realize that she'll have to come to a new place in her own life and she might take you up on the offer.

    And finally be patient with her; let her adjust to this on her own schedule. But be firm and persistent so that she'll see that she has no choice but to deal with it. She may even go into denial for a period, but by being persistent you'll show her that denial won't resolve anything. Eventually she'll come to a new understanding and hopefully a new place with you in her life.

    Good luck, and bring us into the picture whenever you need some advice or just good old fashioned sympathy!! (*hug*)