So my ex-husband, who has been extremely nasty over the past year but somewhat calmer in the last few months, texted me today that he is planning to write my parents a letter "for closure." I replied that I rather he did not do that, but he responded that "I should not be concerned." The thing is, he is convinced I am gay and in a relationship with a woman (which is pretty much true although I am not totally sure on the gay thing, vs. bi, but that's probably just a technicality at this point). I am not sure about the true nature of the content of this letter, but would not put it past him to tell my parents that he was nasty and hateful to me because I left him for another woman and destroyed the lives of my children (as he sees it). My parents don't know whether I am gay or not, they know that I did have a relationship with a woman (he emailed them at the time to tell them everything, but since then they think it was just a brief thing and not an ongoing relationship). My parents lost all respect for him after he "ran" to them to tell them how terrible I had been. They did not condone my behavior but they thought worse of him for running to all the parents and sharing what they felt should have been a private issue between he and I. In the meantime, I have not come out to my parents, and was not really planning on it at this point in my life. So now, what do I do? If I tell them to expect the letter they may want to tear it up without reading it, or maybe they will read it. And the letter may contain very negative things about my character, as well as the fact that I am gay, which will be very upsetting to my parents. I guess the bottom line is that I don't really have much control over this situation so do I just sit back and wait for whatever comes? Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated. Thanks. Alison
I'm sorry to hear that things have worked out so badly with your ex husband; particularly that he has acted in such an immature way. I'm not sure if my advice is much use, as I've never dealt with a situation like yours, but it might be worth telling your parents that he mentioned he might send them a letter, and tell them you think it would be easier for everyone if they threw it out unopened. If he upset them the last time he emailed them, it could be that they would gladly ignore anything else he tries to communicate to them. I wish you the best of luck with figuring out what to do!
well first off, i'm sorry this has been so complicated for you. if he's going to send a letter that will in all probability out you to your parents, it might be a good idea to beat him to the punch. i know you didn't plan on coming out to them yet, but thinking about them, it would be a softer blow to hear the news from you in a calm collected loving manner than it would to hear it from an angry ex. their original reaction to the first time your ex told them about your relationship can give you a clue about how they will react. they thought it much more appalling that he freaked out and brought them into the situation than the situation itself. not trying to make this sound like a cakewalk, i know it isn't easy coming out to your parents, but it may be the lesser of a few evils.
Hi, Becky. I'm sorry you're having to go through this; it's clearly not what anyone wants. As difficult as it might be, I'd suggest you steal his thunder (and his attempt to hurt you) and just tell them. If they know you've had a relationship with a woman, then it's not like it's going to be a big surprise and they may have already figured it out anyway. You don't have to say you're gay, just say that you feel like you're somewhere on the spectrum, and are in a relationship with a woman now and are comfortable with that, and you just felt it was important to be honest with them. It sucks to be in that position but he's clearly focused on hurting and causing you problems, so the solution is to take away his ammunition. If they ask questions or try to convince you one way or another, just say you aren't sure, and you'll be working to figure it out and would appreciate it if they would just be supportive and not try to encourage or discourage you. I honestly am betting that it won't be that big a deal because they already have some idea. And the sooner you address it, the sooner your ex won't have any ammunition left, so likely he'll turn his energy elsewhere.
Thank you all for your responses. That makes sense - it will take some courage to talk to my parents but in a way it provides me with a motivation to get it over and done with. You guys are all wonderful. Thanks for the support. Alison
