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Identity crisis

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sylver, Feb 7, 2010.

  1. Sylver

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    I hear a lot of people say that one of the benefits of coming out to the world is that they can finally be "who they are". They'll say that coming out is like lifting a weight off their shoulders and they're glad to no longer be hiding their true selves in the closet.

    As I go through my own coming out process, I'm finding something quite different. As I shed the artificial "self" I had created and lived for years, instead of finding a "new me" behind the lie I'm finding that there's actually nothing but empty space where this new person should be. The lie became my identity, so without it I have no idea who I am any more. I heard a commercial on TV telling me to protect myself from identity theft, and I had to chuckle to myself that I have nothing to worry about because they'd have to find my identity first.

    I have no idea how to create a new identity as a happy gay man, and I'm not even sure I know what that means. I don't feel a connection to any of the stereotypically gay traits that might help me define who I am. I don't feel like there are any forms of self-expression I've been suppressing that are just waiting to burst forth into the free air - I'm one of those "straight acting" guys (*cringe at the term*) who'll probably still be "straight acting" long after I'm out, mainly because I don't know what else to be. The only thing I know for sure is that I like guys.

    A big part of this is that I feel like coming out has invalidated much of my life to this point. It's like coming out has taken an eraser to pretty much all of who I was - it's almost like waking up with amnesia. I'm no longer sure who my friends are because our friendships were forged around the old me. My entire adolescence was a fraud and none of the "experiences" I had can count towards the new me because they were all faked.

    I'm also worried that instead of creating a new identity for myself, I'll use a dependency to fill that void. My dependencies tend towards people (not drugs or behaviors). I have limited sexual experience of any kind and I have limited experience with intimate relationships. I'm worried I'll latch on to the first relationship that presents itself and then cling to it, either locking myself into a a situation that's less than I deserve or driving the other person away if it's genuine.

    Basically I'm finding it quite uncomfortable to discover that I don't know who I am any longer. While my coming out process has been somewhat liberating, it has also left me feeling empty and uncertain. Worst of all I don't know how to go about creating the new person I am meant to be out of the rubble. How do I get a phoenix to rise up out of these ashes?

    Has anyone else found that the coming out process forced you to abandon the old you, only to discover that there was no new you waiting in the wings and that you'd have to create a new you from scratch? How did you go about rebuilding a new identity as a gay man or lesbian?

    :help:
     
  2. Lexington

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    This wasn't the case with me, mainly because my identity wasn't "straight guy".

    Before I came out, I was a straight, cartoon-watching, music-obsessed, voracious-reading, smart-assy, helpful nerd.

    After I came out, I was a gay, cartoon-loving, music-obsessed, voracious-reading, smart-assy, helpful nerd.

    In short, not much change. :slight_smile:

    But I know what you mean. A friend of mine came out in college, and when he did, he started trying on personas like a shopper at a 50% off sale at A&F. He used to be a pressed-shirt sort of dweeb. A month after coming out, he was wearing pink shirts and rollerblades. The next month, he was in tie-dye and joining ACT UP. Then he got a trendy haircut and joined a band.

    And frankly, there's nothing really wrong with any of that. You learn what you like by trying it out. He just tended to jump full-force into everything, the way a four-year-old brazenly announces "I'm gonna be a fireman when I grow up!" He had to find his identity, and he was just a bit (OK, a lot) more obvious with his search than most people are.

    So back to you. Why has coming out invalidated you? If coming out only means "you like guys", does that mean your only personality trait was being straight? Friends liked you because you ogled cheerleaders and took them to strip clubs? After I came out, I kept discussing cartoons with my cartoon-obsessed friends, and going to sporting events with my sporty friends, and discussing the new Prince album with those who liked Prince. Nothing was rendered invalid other than any time I said "I think that chick is hot". Which, if memory serves, I never did. :slight_smile:

    You suggest you still don't have an identity. And that's fine. So why not start creating one? And for identity, I STRONGLY suggest not buying off the rack. Don't do what my friend did. If you feel you want to be political active, that's totally cool. But don't feel you have to buy the T-shirt, put on the bumper stickers, volunteer at the "correct" organizations et al. It's all optional.

    Instead, create your persona. I certainly didn't see some cartoon-loving, music-obsessed etc etc, and think "oo, I want to be that". I became that because that's who I am. That's what I feel most comfortable being.

    So start from scratch. Get some paper, or open a document on your computer, or start a note on your phone. And start jotting down some things. I'd make two separate lists - "I LIKE" and "I'D LIKE TO TRY". Keep your mind open. WAY open. What DO you like? What MIGHT you like? List anything that comes to mind. Activities, food, sports, creative endeavors. It doesn't have to be "waiting to burst forth", necessarily. But if you think "Well, I've thought that it might be fun to learn to play guitar", put that down. If you enjoy throwing a frisbee, put that down. If you enjoy writing, put that down. And no, you don't have to be GOOD at any of these. You don't have to believe that you WILL ever be good at any of these. The headings are "I LIKE" and "I'D LIKE TO TRY", not "I WILL SUCCEED AT". Feel free to go outside the box. If you like visiting post offices, write "visiting post offices". If you like TV commercials from the 1950s, write "TV commercials from the 1950s".

    Keep at it. Keep the lists growing. Make them 50, 75, 100 items or more.

    Once your list is taking shape, start picking items, and develop them. Some will be easier than others. It's easier to learn origami than visit Antarctica, for instance, so you might want to start with the former. But start. Try those things out. The things you already like - like them more. Visit more post offices, and watch more TV commercials from the 1950s.

    Gradually, your persona will emerge. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Sylver

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    Thanks, Lex - you give really great advice!

    I don't mean to sound like my entire life is void or invalid. I have lots of hobbies that I enjoy and there are lots of things I'm really good at, and they won't change with coming out. For example I run my own business, I love what I do, I'm good at it and I'm successful. I'm exploring my creative side (photography, design, writing) and I'm really enjoying the discovery. There are big parts of my life that are, frankly, totally in order and I woudn't want them to change.

    But it still feels like there's a big hole where a whole bunch of lies used to be. I've toyed with the term "sexual identity" to describe it, but that has other meanings attached. It's just surprised me how many tentacles sexuality has in places you might not expect them. Yes, I was the guy making the crude comments about the hot chicks to friends and overplaying the macho role when it was all just a big act. That's who my friends got to know, and that's who they learned to like. I have a couple of fraudulent relationships that seem irrelevant now because they can no longer contribute to who I am.

    I guess what you're saying is that I might be overestimating the importance of sexuality in my overall identity. Funny, just before I started coming out I thought the same thing - it's only one aspect of who I am. Maybe it's just getting amplified right now by the complex emotions I'm feeling in the heart of this coming out process, to the point where it seems like much of my life was a house of cards, and the sexuality card just happened to be the one at the bottom that's causing the whole house to fall down.

    But I promise to think long and hard on what you've said. Thank you!
     
  4. adam88

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    I know how you feel. Here's a song that may resonate for you - pay attention to the lyrics.

    VNV Nation - Endless Skies

    This sense - Tabula Rasa is a term I've heard it described as - is overwhelming. However, with overwhelming choices comes overwhelming possibility. Before I came out, my future was known to me - I was to spend eternity locked in the closet, afraid of myself. Now, I don't know what my future will hold, but I can be certain that what I was before won't come to pass, and that gives me hope.

    EDIT: Also, what the gay gargoyle said. The world is your oyster. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 adam88, Feb 7, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
  5. Jim1454

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    Can I share my own experience?

    Remember that for me, everything 'hit the fan' all at once. Addiction was out of control, finally accepting I was gay, and marriage was ending. Thankfully I was in therapy - and I'd recommend that for you as well.

    I was just an empty, hollow shell of a person by the time I started seeing my counsellor. I'd been living my life the way I thought others wanted me to live it, and I wasn't living it for myself. I didn't have any concept of what it meant to live my life for myself. When I started counselling, my therapist would ask me 'how are you feeling?' and I really wouldn't know. He'd have to hand me a page full of different 'smiley face' expressions so that I could pick one. Sad, huh? I don't think you're quite that bad.

    So it's not like you don't have things going on in your life, but some of the things you had going on in your life weren't really of your own choosing. You were doing them because you thought other people wanted you to do them (i.e. the hot chick comments to your friends or dating women perhaps to please your familiy). And if you've lived your life long enough like that, it's tough to start living it for yourself. That's what I found.

    Suddenly I had to start making my own decisions. We were separating and selling our house, so I had to find a place to live. I'd never done that before. My wife had found both our previous houses, and I just went along with it. My therapist helped me a lot in this process. He as especially pleased / surprised when I told him that I'd bought my little convertible (the one in my avatar). Not only had I made the decision on my own, but I had done it entirely for myself. It was a purely selfish thing to do - but I had done it anyway. (It didn't come at the expense of anyone - I still had my station wagon to use when I had my two kids and the dog every other weekend, and I wasn't spending money that should have been child or spousal support...).

    But it's a process. Don't expect the phoenix to rise from the ashes. You just need to slowly fill in that void with things that the 'real' you likes to do.

    You're definitely on the right path, and it's totally natural to feel the way you do - at least from my experience. Good luck!
     
  6. Becky1234

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    Hi James,

    As I have mentioned in here in other places, I am a shrink, and although I am by no means an expert on this site, nor an expert on LGBT issues, I can tell you that through my work with women who have experienced eating disorders (my area of speciality) many of them lacked an identity beyond that of their eating disorder. Some of the women who have struggled with eating disorders have hid behind it as their identity for years, so as they move further and further into recovery, they also struggle to figure out who they really are. One of the things to do is start with the basics; it may sound silly, but what colors do you like, what type of clothes, what music, what do you like to do in your spare time, what qualities do you like in other people, who do you like to be around - homebodies, sporty people, gamers, etc. Start keeping a journal perhaps, and write down bits and pieces about yourself that you learn as you embark upon this journey of getting to know you. You will be surprised at what you put together. It is all there, but you probably have just lost touch with it while you have been going through other struggles that have removed you from being in touch with who you are. It can be a scary process, but mostly you can view it as an enlightening, exciting opportunity to get to know a really great person - YOU! Good luck.

    Alison
     
  7. Lexington

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    Well, then, you've apparently got some friends who WERE in fact friends with "StraightJames". Now the question is whether they'll be friends with "RealJames". And you find that out just by being yourself (now) around them and seeing if they still like the real you. That doesn't mean you have to swap out "Check out his ass!" for spots where you'd normally say "Nice rack!". It just means letting the rest of your personality shine through. The one who's doing great in his career, and learning about his creative side, and likes this band, and that sporting team, and these TV shows. Chances are they liked you for more than your "that's what SHE said" comments. And if they don't, well, they didn't actually like YOU much, did they? :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. Eleanor Rigby

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    I know this feeling very well, except from the fact I didn't experienced it because of coming out.
    When I was a teenager, I was the kind of girl that was absolutly not popular. On the good days people were ignoring me, on the bad days (and there were many of them) I was verbaly and/or physicaly abused.
    I also had parents who had very high expectations for me, and a very precise idea of what I should or shouldn't do.
    These things combined with a very low self-esteem and a deperate need for being loved and accepted, I became Miss Nobody. I tried so hard to be who I thought over people expected me to be, that I erased every single things that could have been my personality. And of course, I was so desperatly hungry for affection that I let many people abuse me in many ways.
    I fortunatly had a wake up call when I was 20 and was stuck in a deep depression. I did the best thing I could do for myself and I started a therapy.
    It took times, but during that therapy I discovered myself, someone who had always been there inside me but that I have been too scared to listen. And it took time before I learned to listen to myself insted of listening my fears.
    I have gained a lot of things from this process. For one part, I finaly get comfortable in my own skin, and I also discovered that some people actualy love me the way I am. Of course not everybody like me, but that's normal, nobody can be like by everyone, but I have made more friends since I am allowing me to be myself that I had done in the previous 20 years.
    I think that what you're experiencing now comes from the fact you have silenced who you are so long that you still can't hear your own voice because your fears still speak louder. In my experience, therapy had been really helpful, because it did truly help me do deal with my fears and make me able to silence them to listen to myself. Maybe it's something that could help you too.
    And remember to take one step at a time. You're not obliged to fill the empty space in one day. And exploring your new possibilities can be exciting too :slight_smile:
    Take care of yourself, Cécile
     
  9. Since I have come out to myself and my psychologist nothing has really changed except I'm no longer confused about who I like. I am the same eccentric outdoorsy guy. I used to comment on women but I stopped doing that many years ago. If I was going to date a woman I would always ask my straight friends if I should. Thinking back to that makes me laugh.

    I used to think my mental illness was who I am and that period was a low point for me. I got over that by doing a lot of hard work but it was totally worth it.

    Remember this is YOUR life. Do what you like and want to do. If you lose a friend during your coming out don't feel bad. That person was just a d-bag that was holding you back from being happy. More than likely your friends will still be your friends when you tell them you are gay.

    Here is a video I think is appropriate for your situation. I think you will like it. We can pretend I am the white wizard and you are the imprisoned king.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tlkrR_hasU
     
  10. paint

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    ^ Nice metaphor. Breathe the free air James, and take your time.
    I agree with what Lex said.
     
  11. NathaniellAshly

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    This has been a truly helpful thread. It resonated with me deeply.

    I've been out for 16 months now and it has been terrifically disorienting. Unfortunately, I did not experience a sense of liberation or emancipation when I finally decided to confront the truth of my sexuality. Each time I would "out" myself to the people in my life my heart simply felt very heavy. I'm pleased to say, however, that this heavy-heartedness is beginning to dissipate.

    But more significantly, I had to put much that I had been working towards (career and education mainly) on hold while I addressed the overwhelming emotions that surfaced during this period. I had to take a leave of absence from grad school because I simply couldn't think anymore; and I put my plans to enter seminary on hold because I could no longer pursue the priesthood in good conscience. I was being groomed to be an academic and a priest and my whole identity was wedded to that. Thus, coming out proved to be a monumental disruption to not only my plans but to the man I was trying to be (as well as to the man I was trying not to be).

    So for 16 months I've been working on figuring out who I am now. Curiously, what I discovered was that not much has changed about the man I am. Most of those things that defined me in the past are still operative, though they've taken a backseat in the game of my life so that I can focus on this crash-course in emotional maturation. I suspect that little by little there will be an integration of the various components of my life and that this will unfold organically rather than by some force of will. I'm already beginning to see this manifesting.

    This process will take time. I spent 25 years hiding from myself so I am trying to be gentle regarding the necessary growth that I'm currently experiencing. Lately I've actually become more optimistic about it all (which is saying something because in the early months of coming out I experienced so much self-loathing that I often despaired that I could continue on this journey of self-acceptance). And this is encouraging.

    Yet I have to confess, I did not notice an underlying gay identity waiting to be brought forth by my disclosures. In this was it was anti-climatic. I'm still just me--but a bit more honest and a whole lot less guarded. Funny: it actually brought people closer to me rather than push them away. This was a delightful surprise. It's helped me to see that being gay didn't make me less lovable (which is what I had always feared); rather, it proved to me that people really do want to love me... as I truly am. And that has introduced a whole lot of healing into my life for which I'm most grateful.

    :slight_smile:
     
  12. woo13

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    I really know how you feel. I, myself, just come out about 2 weeks ago to my smallest circle of friends who were really accepting. The moment I decided to come out, I didn't know that I'd be splitting my life into two. As you say, I've been living as a 'straight' man all my life, pretending and building a 'facade'. When I decide to wreck the facade, I felt empty, as if all this time I was only this 'facade' walking around talking with friends, doing stuffs, etc. And now, I feel like I'm living two life. I can't live proudly here, people living in my country are mostly judging and I don't want to risk myself with it. So basically I have to live still as a 'straight' man in front of everyone but my circle of friends I mentioned earlier. While at the same time, I'm still seeking of my identity as a gay man.

    I think it takes time. Whatever we're dealing with, we need to make adjustment to it. For you and me, we need to mend our 'pieces' that represent the real us. Maybe you think every pieces of the old you are all made up. But I think there must be something that binds the old you and the empty you together. You just need some time to think. Good luck for both of us, and thank you for sharing this. (*hug*)

    Sorry for my english btw. :confused:
     
  13. anxiousandfree

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    I must say that I also relate to this, not so much because of the coming out, but other ways in which I feel I am shedding an old identity and not knowing who I wanted to be. I think there are so many ways in which our society we are expected to be normal, and I fell into a lot of these traps. I always said to myself, I guess without really listening to my own advice, that your intuition is usually right, but if you ignore it long enough you lose the ability to hear what it's saying. I'm finding that my interests lay outside of set boundaries - you can be into fashion and beauty and going out, or you can be an environmentalist and not bathe and believe in peace. I guess I'm interested in so many areas of culture and people, and care about the planet. So my interests do overlap, but I had to become more mature to understand this. Because I didn't trust that they made sense together, I thought that I didn't make sense, and so I couldn't be successful without moulding myself to some set of ideals. I never wanted to be someone else, but I thought that if I explored the right things I would develop the right interests to be popular and get me a job doing what I wanted to do etc etc. When I got into the school of my dreams, where, as I hoped, so much depended on your own passions and interests, I didn't really know who I was anymore. I felt that people in my school didn't really get me, and I realized that without trying to lie, I wasn't being my true self, and I was inspired by people who were, who were really cool, to explore more of my interests. But I am still finding my identity. I think this also ties into my sexuality because I lost myself in the shuffle, and haven't given myself the opportunity to feel things out. So right now I don't know much about myself, but I also feel like I know more than I ever did.
     
  14. greatwhale

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    Hi anxiousandfree, welcome to EC!

    You have revived an old thread, but the issue is interesting nevertheless!

    We are more who we are by our context than we are willing to admit. The OP told us (in 2010!) that he lost who he was when coming out, but who we are is a very slippery thing.

    The self is not a tangible thing that is waiting to be discovered, it is more process than object; more defined by what we have learned about the world around us and the world within, and about the parts that we have no control over, like our sexuality.

    It's in the transition of coming out that we experience the vertigo of freedom and the possibility of creating someone new from a deeper understanding and acceptance of ourselves.

    So enjoy becoming! we are always becoming something new.