hey guys, so i have a relationship issue. so my boyfriend and i have been going out for about 2 months. we have broken up 3 times, all by my choice. 1st break up: i didnt feel that it was going anywhere because he was acting as though i didnt exist when we were with our friends. his reaction: take a lot of speed and do stupid things, like stapling his leg. i took him back because i was worried he would hurt himself. 2nd break up: he cheated on me. i was really upset so just lashed out and dumped him. but i was miserable without him, and so i took him back because he promised me he would never do it again. in the time we were broken up, he made a noose and took pictures of himself pretending to slit his throat. AGAIN i took him back because i was scared that he would hurt himself. 3rd break up: i came to the realization that all his stupid shit was making me depressed and i didnt want to be a part of it. he smoked some weed, drank, and asked me to take him back. i did (i dont know why this time) so each time, hes hurt himself and i've taken him back because i'm worried about him. does this sound like a healthy relationship or should i try to get him help?
If you are asking whether this is a healthy relationship or not, you probably already know the answer. Anyway who threatens to hurt themselves as a method of getting you back into the relationship is probably a little unstable. You are young and will have lots of love interests, so to be in a relationship in which the other person is trying to control you with threats regarding themselves is not good. If you are worried about him, let him know you are worried, and still care, but don't feel right about being in a relationship with him right now. If you think he might do something to hurt himself, perhaps let someone else know - a friend of his, a teacher, a member of his family, that you are concerned. You should not have to shoulder this type of burden. Good luck! Becky
It's obvious you're concerned about him, but what's happening here is you've gotten yourself into a completely codependent relationship. You are the savior/caretaker, and he is the helpless victim type. They are roles that both of you are playing very well, and unfortunately, it's really unhealthy for both of you. He needs help, but *he* needs to get it. If you try to help him do that, you'll just reinforce the codependency, and he will rely on you any time he has a problem, instead of learning to solve it himself. The second thing I'm seeing is... you don't sound like you have much confidence in yourself. The guy cheated on you, and clearly has a lot of problems. You shouldn't be in a relationship to "fix" the other person, and being in a relationship wth someone using drugs or otherwise engaging in self-harm behaviors isn't a good idea, because it's at best going to be frustrating for you if he doesn't change (which he probably won't) and at worst, may pull you down in the process. The best, healthiest thing you can do for him is encourage him to get help (but not get the help for him) and then disengage yourself. If you seriously think there's a danger of his harming himself, then notify his parents or call 911, but my guess is that the pictures are all dramatic attempts to get your attention and keep you from breaking up with him. And don't buy into the inevitable "Oh, you're the only one who can help me" or "I need you to help me get well", because that will play right back into the codependent patterns the two of you have established. Hope that helps.
* Great response,Chip. I agree 100%.* It's about control,too. He is manipulating you into staying with him. He's trying to control you because he has no control. He knows by threatening to hurt himself,he'll get you to stay. You don't need this BS. My advice would be to get away from him. You don't need the drama.
aright guys thanks so much for your answers. i guess, as becky said, i already knew the answer, but wanted someone else to tell me what to do (bad habit...) i think i'll wait a bit to see where we're going in the relationship before making any big decisions. part of it isn't simply "he's crazy" he has like abandonment issues (he was adopted) and he has two dads (he got a lot of crap in school about it. not so much now but when he was younger) and he's--well everyone has their issues. but thanks again, and i may try to help him get help.
