Coming out to myself is so much harder

I always felt wrong somehow, and dirty. I was a strange, sexually charged child to begin with. I can remember having strongly sexual thoughts at age 8 and 9... and, aside from feeling awkward around other kids in general, I felt especially different whenever I was with a group of girls. It felt like I was never one of them, like I wanted different things, but it was always so hard to pinpoint.

K. I met her in fourth grade, we parted ways a year later when she moved to another city. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen... a redhead, like me, and with big gaudy plastic glasses, like me... I would go spend the night at her house and we would sleep in the same bed under the electric blanket. One day, as we were getting off the bus, she told me that her stepfather's friend was abusing her, and not to tell anyone. I knew that what happened to her was wrong, but I promised not to tell, so I didn't. I couldn't sleep that night laying next to her in the soft glow of the night-light, hearing her breathing. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her, hold her softly, let her cry, protect her from everything evil. I wanted her skin against my skin. I never touched her, I was too afraid she wouldn't like it, and that I would like it too much.

L. I met her in middle school. By this time I knew I was different. Every time I went to a slumber party, or was with a group of girls, they would touch each other, hug, tickle, tease, braid each others' hair, and I never could. Or when I did, I felt wrong, like I wanted to be closer. I wanted to bury my face in that soft hair I was braiding and inhale. I was terrified about how much I liked to touch her, like it was a secret that would cost me my friends. I felt like I would explode, I felt like a pervert. I did have crushes on boys, but now I think it was because I felt the need to "pick one" to have a crush on, because that's what 13 year old girls do. In high school, I realized I was in love with L. She was my best friend, but also mysterious. Looking back on it now, I think she may have been abused as a young girl, too. She, like many other girls at the time, claimed to be bisexual. It was sort of en vogue to be a bi girl. Most of those girls never had a girlfriend or did anything more than kiss at parties for the attention, so I never thought that L really liked girls other than thinking they were pretty. She was very flirtatious with her friends, I was very frustrated. I lost my virginity at 14 to the first nice guy that came along, I had about six (short lived) boyfriends between then and graduation. I went to parties and kissed some girls, I even went to the Gay Straight Alliance meetings (as a straight/possibly bisexual ally)...

I fell in love with my friend R (male), we planned on getting married. We moved in together after high school, and broke up 3 months later when I told him I think I am gay. I had felt trapped and suicidal.

So, then I was single, kinda out, over 18, and looking for other queer women to hang out with. I went to a couple of lesbian gatherings and events, scared shitless mind you, and promptly hooked up with a man for three months. Broke up, had some casual hetero sex, one awful drunken mixed group sex experience, and forgot about the gay thing for the moment.

Then I met J (male), who I will always love very dearly... we were together for four and a half years, during which time I cheated on him to have horrible drunken regretful threesomes with a few people. Never interested in the boys involved, just the girls, looking back. They weren't even women I liked, just available. I felt sleazy, starved for boobs. He dumped me and took me back after each encounter.

We broke up six months ago when I caught myself repeatedly daydreaming about taking his shotgun and firing it through the roof of my mouth. Something was wrong, I wasn't living the life I wanted to. He remains one of the strongest, most honorable people I have ever encountered. The past four years I thought about women. A lot. I became addicted to the L word (terrible show, I know, but there's women kissing on it.) I knew I wanted to live as a lesbian, but felt like a fraud, because I always ended up with men.

So, I moved in with my good friend, B (male), and we hooked up. No surprise. Fell in love. Madly. The funny thing being he only seems to be attracted to lesbians (or is it just strong women with short hair?)... his lesbian friends refer to him as an honorary dyke. The sex was great, we loved the same sci fi shows, always had a great time hanging out together. Still, even feeling so satisfied in so many ways, I knew it wasn't right. We talked, trying to have a casual relationship. He knew how I felt about women, so he took me to a strip club and bought me a lap dance. What a guy. That night I was caught with my jaw dropped, grinning like an idiot, beer spilled down the front of my top... basically like a 12 year old boy who just discovered porn. He said, "you need to get yourself a girl friend."

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My family has been nothing but accepting, though we haven't talked much about my sexuality. I suppose it will be more of an issue the day I bring a woman to thanksgiving dinner.

Over the years, since high school, I had talked with my four siblings, one at a time, in casual conversation about the eye I had toward other women. In fact, a few months ago I was out having dinner with one of my brothers and I told him I'm a lesbian, and he said, "Oh, I knew that. You told me years ago."

My parents, however, had no clue. It had just never come up...

One day I was talking with my Dad, complaining about my doctor. She never looked me in the eye, misdiagnosed me twice for something routine, always gave me rude answers to simple questions. He said it might be because of my tattoos, I said no,it's because she's homophobic. Dad paused and said, "why should that matter to you?" Oops. I said, "Well, haha... I date women sometimes." He said "oh", and that was the end of it. No big deal at all... So I sent my mom an email that describe the above funny scene... she called me and in a timid voice said she loves me no matter what my sexuality. Whew, I am so lucky... a little awkwardness, that's all...

So I guess my struggle hasn't been with society, or even friends or family, but in coming out to myself. My struggle has been with not choosing the path of least resistance, but in discovering what it really is I yearn for, and not settling for delights and distractions laid out before me.

I might be going on a date, my first real ever date with a super cute, geeky lesbian I met in class, if I can call up the guts to ask her out next time I see her... I know it's going to feel strange at first, like always wanting to fly a jet and then trying to get used to wearing a flight suit.


I still sleep with my guy friend from time to time, we love each other. I wonder if he'll be the last man I ever sleep with, or if I'm truly bisexual. How about no labels at all and I just pay really close attention to what I want... I wonder if I'll just never be satisfied in a love relationship, if I'll always be looking for something better. Or maybe I'm really a lesbian, and that's why I always get this tight, trapped, hollow, yearning, deeply sad feeling whenever I'm in a relationship with a man, no matter how great it is...



Thanks for letting me share.

 

Thanks everyone, it is so nice to have a place to talk.

Shorty: Yes, B is my best friend. I hope to know him for many years.

ArcaneVerse: Thanks for the quote! To put it more bluntly - it has been so much easier for me to hook up with and find emotional connection with men than women, because I'm more comfortable around them. There aren't that many women - straight or gay - in my social circle anyway, just a bunch of metal heads! All my band mates are men, their friends are men... For me to meet a woman I truly like and am attracted to would require a lot of effort, but I'm starting to realize the worth of doing so.

 

Yeah, the only obstacle is ourselves... means something different to everyone, but it is so true for many people...

 

Thanks everyone for the kind, supportive words.

Cute geeky lesbian kinda stood me up. :rolleyes:

My heart is officially off the market. It has been bought up by the bank of my soul. It will be held, vacant, until all the wildflowers grow back.

:eusa_booh:

(See what happens when I'm encouraged?! Melodramatic ramblings emerge...)