Straight Parent Gay Child (I think)??

Hello,

Let him be the one to come out to you. Don't ask him directly, but drop hints that you're okay with his sexuality and love him unconditionally. When he does decide to come out to you, make sure he knows that nothing is going to change between you and you still love him.

Good on you for being open minded! (*hug*)

 

Hey, welcome to EC! I have to say, I really admire you as a father for coming to this website for help.:icon_bigg

If your son hasn't come out to you yet, he may either be 1.) worried how you will react (naturally) 2.) not ready, or 3.) figuring it out himself. There are dozens of other reasons but these are the main.

Hmm... Thinking as a child not out to his/her parents, I would feel more comfortable if they made small mentions here and there that they knew and they were comfortable with it. Don't outright say it, and don't mention it every other second, but just remind your son that you'll love him either way. He'll still probably be apprehensive about 'coming out of the closet' to you, but there's less fear.

At least, those are my thoughts on it.

 

wow, wish u were my dad. very cool
i agree with the advice above. just drop hints but dont back him into a corner by throwing it out there.

 

Hi, and welcome to EC. You sound like an awesome dad to come here and ask for our advice.
There are some people on here who are straight parents of gay kids themselves, so I hope one of them will be around soon.

I can only speak for when I was 17 myself (I'm 25 now), but a few thoughts:

When I was younger, my parents finding out was both my biggest fear, and a secret wish. Conflicting, I know, but on some level I always hoped they would ask me, so the burden of coming out would not be on me. However, it was also my biggest fear, because who knew how they'd react?
I understand that as a parent this must be difficult as well. Do you have the impression he's leaving traces for you to find out? Or is he just not computer-savvy enough to erase his traces?

What do you mean by his personal traits? Did you have the impression he might be gay before you discovered his surfing habits?

In any case, my advice would be to start out by giving subtle hints that you know. You can probably get away with really subtle hints, as he might be looking for hints that you know already... Hopefully that will make him feel a bit more at ease to bring up the subject.

 

For one,
AWESOME DAD for being so cool with this, and seeking support.
Major thumbs up for that one.

For two, try talking about gay news or gay friends (imaginary or not) you heard around you son. He may think your "coming on to" his whole "closet scenario" but you just gotta make it clear to your son that his sexuality means nothing to you.

By comming here your doing a great thing dad, just remember you have to be sensitive to the kids "closet scenario." You can have the NICEST parents in the world and still it'd be hard to come out. Specially as a teen==We (I'm still a teen for one more year ) tend to think a little negatively.

 

Wow, your son either isn't aware (or is) of how lucky he is to have you as a father ^^

As everyone else said, you shouldn't pressure him into saying anything, just make it appear that you'll be there to support him no matter what

it's his decision to speak up and you just have to listen, reassure him that there's nothing wrong with being gay, and surely, the gentle approach should succeed :}

 

Welcome to EC! And let me add my voice to the chorus of "thanks for being a kick-ass father".

Your son might not even be entirely sure that he's gay yet. But if signs are pointing that direction, you may want to lay some groundwork. Obviously, if you're the type to make any gay jokes, stop. Also, if you see somebody gay on TV or in the news, find something to positive to say. Something like "It's cool that he can just be gay, and it's not a big deal." Basically, find subtle ways to say "I wouldn't have a problem with having a gay person in the family."

Lex

 

Welcome to EC.

Everyone has given you a lot of great advice! Just be there for your son. He may know that he is gay but may be too scared to tell you. If there is an opening to talk to him do so. One thing you may want to do is to attend a PFLAG meeting. There are a lot of parents of gay children that attend these meetings. They give you a lot of support and advice.

 

Yeah, an EC Dad!!! We have a few moms here (myself included) but I think you might be the first Dad. Everybody has already given you great advice. I would definitely check out a PFLAG meeting. You can see if one is near you at: www.pflag.org I am President of the Central Oregon chapter. Its a great group of people! I have a 24 year old gay son whom I love and adore. Your son is lucky to have such an understanding father. You can download some PFLAG reading materials here:

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594&srcid=416

Your Daughters and Sons is great!

I hope you stick around!

 

:icon_sad: Um... I'm an EC dad!

I knew what you meant Becky. I'm a different kind of 'EC dad'. I'm not (too) offended! :icon_wink

I think it's awesome that you're concerned enough about your son to look into this. As everyone has said, I think it's important that he know that you'd be supportive, regardless of his orientation.

I don't imagine this is the problem, but when I was younger I didn't even contemplate the fact that I might be gay. It wasn't talked about like it is today. But he still might be figuring it out for himself.

Another suggestion might be to offer him the opportunity to speak to a counsellor. You might want to voice your concern - that you've noticed him being a little 'out of sorts' or however you want to put it, and that you want him to know that he can talk to you about absolutely anything, or if he'd be more comfortable, he can talk to a professional. His issues might not be centered around his orientation.

 

Not to sound redundant,I,too,applaud you for coming to EC,to voice your concerns about your son. The world could certainly use more dads,like you.
I can't really add to the already great advice you have already received. I agree with what has been said. Tread lightly and let him know that you love him,no matter what.

 

Lol, if any of my parents would ever say something that obvious, it would be immediately clear they knew. Though I used to be so paranoid about them knowing that even not zapping away from a commercial for Brokeback Mountain was seen as a sign they knew...

 

Sorry Jim. :icon_redf I meant a parent of a gay child. You know I love you! (*hug*) We also have Peter and some others who are fathers.

 

Thanks for seeking advice on this topic. Your ten steps ahead of just about any parent with an LGBT kid.
Everything I'll say I'm sure has been said already, but allow me to reinforce it at least. First, you don't have to approach him directly. Just give him the means to come out when he's ready. Let him know that you love him no matter what, and it doesn't matter what his orientation is. He'll be nervous even knowing this, so make sure you're approachable when he's ready.
Read through that PFLAG stuff and try to be fairly educated on the topic, so you can talk about it when the time comes. And don't expect every time he says "hey dad" he's going to say he's gay. To take a quote from Kairos, Don't Expect Just Accept.
(*hug*) Thanks for being a great parent.

 

<-- wants to be adopted by becky g and zuet lewis.


u r both awesome parents.
:eusa_clap

 

First off, you're an awesome dad. There needs to be more like you.

Anyway, I'll just share with you my 2 cents. I'm an 18 year old gay teen, and I came out to my parents when I was 17. I didn't tell them for a long time because at first I was afraid that their opinion of me would change. They also never said anything positive or negative about gay people, so I didn't know how they felt on the issue. My dad later told me that he first thought that I might be gay when I was 3 (I have no clue how), so he decided to stay neutral on the subject and that's why he never said anything negative. However, my overreacting brain interpreted some things to be negative, since the only times I heard them talk about gay people were when discussing my uncle's ex-wife, who left my uncle for another women, and about one of my older brother's friend's dad, who used to stay out until 1 AM. It turned out that he was cheating on his wife with lots of men. I really wish that my parents had said more positive things. I was also scared about financial dependence. I don't have a source of income, and I'm at boarding school right now which costs $8000 per year, plus I was afraid that they might not fund my college education (I ended up getting into MIT, UCLA, UC Berkeley, and I'm waiting to hear back from Penn, Stanford, and Harvard; all my colleges are ~$50,000+ and I can't pay that).

So, I think your son knows but he's afraid to tell you. If you confront him about it, he'll probably react by denying it (he won't look you in the eye while doing so, though), then he'll feel uncomfortable. Like the others said, just drop hints that you would be accepting, but don't exactly shout out to the world that you wish you had a gay son. When he does come out, just say that you love him and support him, like you always have and always will.

One more thing, when he comes out, do NOT say "Are you sure?" or "Maybe it's just a phase." All of us here at EC are certain that it's not a phase, and it's just kind of hurtful that someone would doubt us when we've been having these feelings for so long. Your son's probably known since he was 12 or 13, almost definitely by 14 or 15. He might've started talking to you less around then because he was trying to distance himself from people for fear of rejection. That's what I did. Also, when you say you're supportive of him, don't use the word "lifestyle". To me, there's no "gay lifestyle". It's just a life to live. "Lifestyle" is the word that most anti-gay religious speakers and far-right wingers use, so it has a negative connotation around here.

Good luck!

 

Your son is a VERY LUCKY boy to have such an accepting parent.

If you were my dad, I'd want you to drop hints here and there,
whenever gay people come up speak of them in a positive light,
maybe you know someone gay?

And how did you find out about the porn sites-does he not erase
his browser history or something?

Anyway
(*hug*)

 

As everyone else has said, welcome to EC, and your son is really lucky to have a father as awesome as you are.
I'd agree with Lex that dropping hints that you're fine with gay people in general could be a huge help. My mother would sometimes be disparaging of gay people, but in general from what she said she sounded pretty accepting, and that was one of the big things that made me comfortable eventually coming out to her.