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I Need an Altitude Adjustment

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bsg75apollo, Jul 4, 2022.

  1. bsg75apollo

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    I need an attitude adjustment or change in perspective. This past year has been rough on me. I had major heart surgery last May. I had two minot post-surgical strokes while in the hospital which left me with some weakness in my hands and memory issues. I'm on a bunch of different medicines because my heart function is still not where it should be and that affects my libido and function on that front. Tomorrow, I have to have a defibrillator implanted because of the diminished heart function. At age 48, I feel old, defective, and like damaged goods. I have also gotten it in my mind that I am now completely undesirable and that these are all deal breakers.
     
  2. quebec

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    apollo.....So sorry that you been through so much. It's tough and I know it. I've had 22 major surgeries in my life, 7 of them were spinal surgeries in the last 20 years. My entire back, less the top two vertebrae, is now fused into one solid mass. I can only turn my head side-to-side less than about 140° and only bend at the waist. I have a pain pump implanted in my lower back, under the skin, that feeds morphine directly to my spinal cord and I still have to take pain meds by mouth. IT.SUCKS. I think you feel the same way I do a lot of the time. I know that you're 48 and you shouldn't have to feel like the way you do. I've often felt the same way from about the time I was the age you are now. I can remember so many times saying to myself - and often out loud - "This just isn't fair!"...and it isn't. But we're stuck with it, so what can we do? When I had begun to realize that I was gay and was failing in my fight to ignore it and just be "normal", I found myself saying the same thing..."This just isn't fair...what did I do to deserve this?" I can look back now and understand that life isn't necessarily fair. We aren't promised anything. Our only real choice is to make the best we can with what we have. It's actually quite easy to take what we have and make it worse. It's harder to take those same things and make something better out of them...but if we want to have a better life, that's our only choice...take hold and do what we can to make our life better. I finally learned to accept that I am and always have been gay. I am now a whole hell of a lot better off than I was when I was fighting that battle, because I was losing every day! Now I've won that particular war. I've learned to accept that, because my back is such a terrible mess, there just are a lot of things that I can't do...so I had to learn to stop bashing my head against that wall, because it was never going to get better. I'm 71 years old!! I don't like that! In my head...mentally, I'm about 22! That's why my avatar looks the way it does. That's how I "mentally" see myself. I hate being this old...but I'm going to make the best use of the years I'm given and especially since I came out at age 64, I've got a lot of catching-up to do! :old_smile: So the best advice I can give to you is to recognize the restrictions that you have to deal with and move on from there. Have the best life that you can manage. Make everyday count! :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. Prisma

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    Wow! You have been through a lot. But I don't think you should equate your desirability with medical issues you've experienced. Me, personally, it is most about the person inside that causes the greatest level of desire in me. Our greatest sexual organ is between the ears. I think you should concentrate on whether others are desirable and deserving of your time and energy now. Cherish yourself and make sure you get what you you deserve out life. The more you are happy and rested, the more the libido will respond.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey you have definitely had a rough time and its understandable that you are feeling like that about everything. I think the important thing is not to project how you are feeling about yourself and assume it is everyone elses attitude. I think there are probably people who would say they are deal breakers but then they are probably not the people you want to date anyway so just let them go.
    Perhaps joining some LGBT groups and just enjoying some new friendships might make you feel better about yourself. I am sure you still have a lot to offer.
     
  5. quebec

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    apollo.....I thought about what I wrote to you yesterday and decided that I may have been a little rough. What I really wanted to do was to encourage you to accept that you have limits, ignore the ones that you can, and to move on with your life in spite of them. Your limits are difficult ones...many surgeries. I know how that feels and hate the feeling of "another surgery". I'm sure you feel the same way and I want you to know that we are here for you...especially when you need to vent! :old_big_grin: Please keep us posted...we really do want to help in any way that we can!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  6. bsg75apollo

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    @quebec . I guess that I am feeling that absolutely no one will want an almost 50 year old with a heart problem and defibrillator. I'm not exactly grade a prime. It doesn't help that the reason my wife and I are splitting is because she didn't sign on for the for poorer, for worse, in sickness part.
     
  7. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Hi @bsg75apollo... I'm really sorry to hear about your struggle, that's really rough.

    I don't know a lot about the relationship with your wife, so I will try not to be judgmental or aggressive here, but that seems to be more of a reflection on her. I hate to say it: Some people just aren't cut out for what a real relationship looks like, not the storybook version. I've known a couple of women in the family with similar dispositions unfortunately.

    As far as the health part, I only have anecdotes, but I hope they're reassuring:
    • I suffered a back injury two years ago, right after the pandemic. Thankfully no surgery, just rehab, but still: it's taken two years and I'm almost back to normal. I very much felt the same way you did this whole time, "undesirable" and "defective."
    • My father (57) had multiple surgeries just last year... transplant, 2 back surgeries, an embolism. Honestly, I didn't think he was ever going to really walk again or breathe without oxygen. Now, he's not only walking, he's shopping, he's driving, he's dating (!!), he went to a freaking heavy metal concert (they gave him a chair on the lawn!) Dude's got more plans than me haha.
    But it took time. All of these positive things happened, but it took time, it took a lot of time.

    When I was first injured, I freaked out. "I have to fix this right now!!!!!!" But I couldn't, doctors didn't want surgery, which in hindsight I'm thankful for in my case. When I restarted coming out a few months ago, it was a little overwhelming. "I'm not young anymore, I have to do all these things right now!!!!" But I wasn't ready to do all of them. It's taking some time.

    You've had a lot to deal with, and then some. I know it's probably not something anyone wants to hear, but your situation will take some time too. But I look forward to being able to read your updates when the positive things do start happening for you.

    All my love brother-- I hope your recovery is going okay.
     
    #7 PrettyBoyBlue, Jul 5, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2022
  8. Mirko

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    Hi there! I am sorry to read about all the health scares and issues you have been dealing with. I hope your heart function will continue to improve and that everything will go well tomorrow.

    You have might have heard the expression before and it is worth repeating for you perhaps think about how you approach things. If you are making something to be a big deal or a deal breaker (even thought there isn't one), others will make it a big deal or a deal breaker as well.

    Does it really matter that you will have a defibrillator or that you have experienced some health issues recently? Yes, it matters to you because it can be scary and you might need to adjust a few things in your daily life, and you might feel 'why is it happening to me,' and I would encourage you to get the support you need to feel okay with things where they are at, while also working towards, making sure that your health continues to improve.

    However, once you start dating someone, or try to connect with someone, it doesn't really matter. Keep in mind when you try to connect with someone, in all likelihood you will start talking about what you enjoy doing, what you like, and what makes you the great person that you are. Talking about personal health issues or other more personal things is a discussion for once you have clicked with someone and you feel comfortable in sharing more personal details.

    The other thing to keep in mind is how you describe yourself. That in many ways would be the first thing to look into and work on changing. Saying "I'm not exactly grade a prime," my response to that would be: who says that? Define that.

    Keep in mind, how you describe yourself, can and likely will help to set the tone. Try to look at things you want to do, you would like to accomplish. If you can, use those as the starting point. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. quebec

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    apollo.....Another thing that I should have brought up to begin with... When I first decided to see a therapist, one of my big three reasons was my health and how to deal with it. (the others were sexuality and retirement) I had gone through a lot and was having a rough time handling it. You might consider talking to a therapist. I know that it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made! I still talk to him every other week or so. He helped me find tools to deal with the depression that I had developed trying to work through too many things all at once and I still use those tools at times today. Give it a thought! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  10. bsg75apollo

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    I do have a therapist who I see every week. I look forward to it. It started out dealing with the health issues and has evolved from there.
     
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