Internalized homophobia getting stronger by each day

To give people a bit of my background: I come from a South-Asian country and from a highly conservative Muslim family. I am out to my immediate family, and despite their Muslim and conservative background, they have been pretty tolerant about this issue. I currently reside in Canada (on Work Permit) and trying to get PR here.

Despite coming from a very homophobic country, I never had to deal with internal homophobia in my early years. I was very confident in my gayness, never felt any kind of shame or guilt associated with my sexuality. The homophobia I dealt with was entirely external -- from my peers and society, but I never had any kind of problem with accepting my sexuality myself.

However, ever since I moved to Canada, something changed. I found using words like gay and lesbian -- even to myself -- a bit frightening. Watching gay movies (which was a favorite pass time of me) became extremely uncomfortable; I would literally fidget at the sight of two men getting intimate. Whenever I see a handsome young man sitting in front of me or somewhere, I would just move away from him.

It's funny I never had to deal with any internalized homophobia while in my birth country, however ever since moving to Canada, I am having to face it.

I have a psychological theory to explain this. While in my country of birth, my gay dreams were just that -- dreams. Obviously I never had any chance of those dreams materializing, so I never had any problem dealing with my homosexual urges. But ever since moving to Canada, those dreams have become REALITY. I now have to ability to do anything I want. From hookups to real relationships to living openly with my sexuality. Now that everything is real, it's much more difficult to deal with them I think. For instance, I find hookups very easy. But when trying to actually date a guy, I found it very tough, and that's because hookups are a momentary thing. Actual dating is long-term and I don't have what it takes to deal with the repercussions of a real relationship.

So exactly how do I deal with my internalized homophobia and try to accept myself more?

 

That's exactly it, and you have worded that very beautifully and logically.

Yes, hooking up is always easier as you do not have to deal with the emotional component of an actual or long term relationship. And it's even more prolific in the gay community due to this very reason. We can hide a hook up from society, we can forget about a hook up within minutes, we can shrug it off as a one time thing etc. A real relationship takes more guts and strength to deal with. And that's even harder for gay people like me. I might be out to family, but it's very tough to be out to the public due to my upbringing.

I've been here for a few years, but I am still carrying the baggage from my past.