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Why is split attraction so negatively viewed?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Sep 29, 2021.

  1. jjusa

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    Why do people say that identifying as having split attraction, e.g., heteroromantic homosexual or homoromantic heterosexual is just an excuse to avoid confronting internalized homophobia or other forms of trauma?

    Isn't that invalidating to the person's experience? I feel invalidated by others because they tell me that trauma and internalized homophobia are preventing me from wanting a same sex relationship. They don't know anything about me and it hurts to hear this from LGBTQ people. I get that for most people, romantic and sexual attraction go together, but it's not the case for everyone.

    I'm not going to force myself to be in a relationship with the same gender just because I'm sexually attracted to the same gender. Similarly, I'm not going to force myself to have sex with the opposite gender just because I can fall in love with them and develop emotional attachments to them. I just wish there was more acknowledgement of this type of sexuality.

    Maybe I'm completely misinformed and ignorant, but I'm not going to invalidate my own experiences. I get that it's important to look into internalized homophobia first, but I don't think that undoing internalized homophobia means that now you can fall in love with the same gender or want to have sex with the opposite gender (or fall in love with the opposite gender and want to have sex with the same gender - if you identify as homoromantic heterosexual). I would just like to know why split attraction and having differing feelings towards different genders is so negatively viewed.
     
    #1 jjusa, Sep 29, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2021
  2. FireFox

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    I've never personally experienced that because I'm still in the closet and to be honest, that door is staying lock for now (sucks that I feel that is the right thing at the moment) but I have come across certain views that does upset me, it is upsetting enough that some people don't believe bisexuality actually exists but I've also come across it from people who are part of the LGBT that also believe it doesn't exist which hurts even more.
     
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  3. tidalpool127

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    Some gay guys think bisexuality, particularly for men, doesn't exist. They think this because a lot of gay men(myself included) say we are bi at first because we are afraid of what people close to us would say if we told them we are only attracted to other men. Saying we are bi softens the blow, so to speak. Those guys are wrong though. Bisexuality exists and is valid and I think as attitudes change with this younger generation, less gay guys will feel like the have to have that safety line lie of "but I still like women, too!" So hopefully that way of thinking dies out.

    I'm sorry, I don't understand what something like heteroromantic homosexual means. I'm not trying to invalidate you, but I don't understand. Do you mean like bisexual or like a gay man or woman repressing their homosexuality to be with the opposite sex? For myself, I have women I love in my life, I could probably be romantically in love with a woman. But I wouldn't be sexually attracted to her so that would cause big problems. I'd feel like I was constantly failing her.
     
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  4. jjusa

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    It's okay! Like bisexual as in a woman who falls in love with the opposite sex but isn't sexually attracted, and sexually attracted to the same sex but not romantically attracted. If that makes sense.
     
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  5. tidalpool127

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    Hey, that does make sense. These are just my personal opinions but to me while love is the most important ingredient in a romantic relationship, not feeling sexually attracted to your partner to me would be very difficult. Like I said, I could see myself loving a woman romantically but lacking the sexual attraction would be very stressful. I feel like I could never truly give her everything she needs to be happy, so that would make me unhappy. Unless someone is asexual, I do feel like sex is an important part of a romantic relationship.
     
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  6. jjusa

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    I agree, I think love and sex are both important. Unfortunately, I am unable to feel both of these things for the same person, which does make things very stressful.
     
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  7. tidalpool127

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    That does sound hard, I'm sorry. The way you feel is the way you feel, and that is valid. I don't want to pry or make you feel invalid, so instead I will tell you something that I used to feel back in my late teens/early 20s(I'm in my mid 30s now). Just wondering if you can relate.

    I am a gay man and by high school I had figured out that as much as I admired women and found them to be beautiful, I had very little sexual attraction to them. Some closeted gay guys are able to fool some poor woman, I was not going to be one of them. Nor did I want to ruin a woman's life. Still, as gay as I was, I could not see myself in a true blue relationship with another man. I felt destined for a life of clandestine hookups with other men. That I would not be able to have a "real" relationship with the same sex. Sex was one thing, but kissing another man? Saying "I love you(romatically)" to another man? Impossible. Looking back now, I know that this was because I had been taught that loving another man was wrong or strange that I could not see myself in a gay relationship.

    Again, not trying to say your feelings aren't valid. Just maybe think about why you can't see yourself forming a relationship with another woman. Especially if it is as you say and you feel no sexual attraction towards men.
     
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  8. Chip

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    Well, the largest part of the issue is that there's simply no credible evidence that supports the idea of discordant sexual and romantic orientation. And romance, love, sex, and relationships have been studied for decades, in pretty much every way possible, so it seems highly unlikely that it would remain undiscovered with all the studies done so far.

    I don't think so, because all it's really saying is that the term "romantic orientation" is really a misnomer, and is more accurately described as "emotionally intimate friendship." If you look at what people describe as 'romantic orientation' through that lens, then what you are really seeing is someone who is, say, homosexual, and has close friendships with women. And in reality, when you look at how guys describe their "homosexual/heteroromantic" relationships (or vice-versa), that's pretty much what you see.

    I suspect it is through that lens that people see it as people not accepting who they are.

    The other piece we have to look at is the role of trauma. Trauma won't change orientation, but it may change who we are attracted to, which is different. What we're attracted to can absolutely be influenced by past wounds and experiences. So a woman who's straight and has grown up with very abusive experiences with men may find herself repulsed by men and seek out the company of women. But when the trauma of those negative experieinces with men is processed, then the fear is resolved and the underlying orientation emerges.

    Nobody is trying to tell you who to love, who to spend time with, how to label yourself, or anything else. The only concern is hopefully giving people accurate, grounded, validated information that can help them make the decisions that are the best for their individual needs, whatever that may be.[/quote]
     
    #8 Chip, Sep 30, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2021
  9. Lemony

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    [/QUOTE]


    That makes a lot of sense chip and I was thinking the same thing.
     
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  10. Sadness

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    [/QUOTE]

    Sorry for being here, i dont think much of a help but this intrigued me, i didnt know about how trauma can affect who youre attracted to. So a gay guy could be aroused by a woman depending on his past trauma?
     
  11. jjusa

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    Thank you for sharing your story. I do relate to some things you mentioned. I stopped seeing the opposite sex (men) in the last five years because I feel that I can only be with a man if we develop a friendship first, and the men that I saw only wanted sex which I couldn't bring myself to do.

    I can't see myself forming a relationship with another woman because women are too emotionally unavailable for me and I just have too much of a history of toxic friendships to want to form any relationship. I've never vibed "romantically" with a woman in the past so I don't think it could ever happen in the future. I feel like the dynamic would just be off, that's really it. I'm not interested in fixing this part of my life tbh It's exhausting and emotionally draining to think about. I don't think it has much to do with the message of "same sex relationships are wrong," but more, men are better for my emotional and mental health and a connection comes much more naturally for me. I'm almost 30 and I'm just tired. Life is short and I want to surround myself with people who make me happy.
     
  12. tidalpool127

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    Hey, I don't think you have anything to fix. If you're bisexual, it doesn't have to be an even split. You can be more attracted to men more than women or vice versa and still be bi. Also, I think it's perfectly okay to not be down with casual sex and to want something more. I know I'm that way. You deserve to be happy. I wouldn't worry too much about labels, just finding someone who respects and cares for you.
     
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  13. jjusa

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    Hmmm... Emotionally intimate friendship as in it's a platonic relationship? Because I believe a romantic relationship should be based on an emotionally intimate friendship. I guess I'm a little confused as to what you mean by "emotionally intimate friendship."
     
  14. jjusa

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    Thank you. I didn't mean you were suggesting that I should be "fixed" or something. I'm really telling myself I need to be fixed. Having split attraction is frustrating because I know who I want to marry, but the sexual pull towards women is interfering with my mental state and causing so much stress. I can't give myself fully to anyone and it's just sad :frowning2:
     
  15. tidalpool127

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    I just wanted to say I understand about your sexuality causing emotional turmoil. I have been there. I might be misunderstanding the situation, but I think you might be being too hard on yourself. Do you feel like if you're with someone that your attraction to the opposite gender(of them) will prevent you from being fully in the relationship? I know bi people get that a lot, but I think that if you really love this person the fact that you are still attracted to the opposite gender will not matter as much as you might think.
     
  16. jjusa

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    Thank you so much. I really appreciate your patience on this, I do.

    I worry that I have to pick between a romantic relationship (opposite sex) and a sexual relationship (same sex), and I'm not sure if I can handle more than one person anyway. I can't be fully present in the relationship if there is no sexual attraction or if there is no romantic attraction. Should I find a guy to be with and eventually marry or just have casual sex with girls for the rest of my life?
     
  17. tidalpool127

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    I don't think I can answer this question for you. If you're saying you have little to no sexual attraction to men like I do for women then I think any relationship with a man is going to be difficult. Maybe if you found an asexual man, but if you're not asexual then that could be hard as well. Again, not saying how you feel is wrong or not valid, but for me personally a huge barrier for romantic attraction would be feeling no sexual attraction to a person. You don't have to say anything, I'm not trying to pry but I would think about why you have trouble forming a romantic attraction to women. To me it sounds like maybe you had some bad experiences in the past. Maybe consider talking about it with a lgbtq-supportive therapist. Not calling you crazy or anything, I'm in therapy myself.
     
  18. jjusa

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    Yeah, I thought about being with an asexual man but it would be difficult since I recently found out that I'm sexually attracted to the same gender. I'm not sure if I could be with more than one person in any capacity because I get easily jealous.

    The main reason why I don't form any kind of relationship with women is because I don't feel safe around women. Not feeling safe is such a trigger for me (not that anything you said triggered me). I don't know why, but I just don't trust myself nor do I trust the women around me. Maybe because society tells us to be mistrusting of your own gender, idk. I also don't really connect well with other women. I have had a lot of bad experiences with the same gender in the past but so have other women who date women and they don't seem to have a problem with forming relationships. Safety and security are important to me when it comes to relationships and so far men have been the only gender to do that for me. That's what I consider to be romantic attraction, but that's just my perception of it.

    I've tried therapy a couple of times but I'm just not ready to talk to a professional about this. I just don't feel that anyone can understand my experience. I'm hoping that this problem will just fade away on its own overtime. I know I am not ready for a relationship right now and I don't know if I ever will be, but I would like to think that eventually I will find the right man that I will also feel sexually attracted to and everything will fall into place. Maybe I will seek therapy again when I feel it's the right time to do so.
     
    #18 jjusa, Oct 1, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2021
  19. tidalpool127

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    Hey, I think it's okay to take things slowly and figure out what you want. You are young and have plenty of time to figure out what you need from a relationship.

    I understand not feeling safe around certain people. I can't say I'm like this with all men, but sometimes country guys make me nervous. Mainly because they can remind me of a couple of guys who used to bully me back in school and hurt me because of who I was. I had to learn that not all country boys were like that and that indeed most people are good, or at least aren't going to try to randomly hurt me.

    I wish I could be more helpful. I will say that I tried for a very long time to make my attraction to other males stop but it never did. In fact all the trying did was make me very depressed. I don't like to think about someone else going through that. I also don't think that you having attraction to other women is a problem. I have things about myself that I have trouble accepting too. And sometimes we can change those things but sometimes we are just who we are. A person on here told me that we shouldn't feel guilty or have to apologize for who we are. You're not a problem for being who you are.
     
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  20. jjusa

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    Thank you for the advice. It sucks that there is literally nothing I can do, but I guess it is what it is.