I think I've always known...

A lot of people here relate to this, if you look at the LGBT later in life section you'll find people who first started coming to terms with it in their 40's and 50's. So you're not alone in coming to the party late.

I struggled for a long time to "prove" myself straight, to the world and to myself. I grew up thinking it was shameful and dirty to be a lesbian, in fact the very word brings up negative emotions connected to it. I would obsessively chase relationships with men, I think I felt that it would keep me safe if I was in a relationship because no one would question my sexuality and if I just found the right guy or dealt with my other trauma I'd finally be able to have sex that I enjoyed (which never happened unless I was fantasizing about women)

 

I accept my bisexuality but I’m not out to many people. I’m slowly slowly getting out of that closet, some of my favourite most trusted people know. I regret not having a proper relationship with a woman before I got married to my husband. I fantasise a lot about it and wish so much that I could, as I know women turn me on lots more than men. So I did brush my bisexual feelings under the carpet for a long time, and what happened is I think I basically fell apart mentally last year, not perhaps because of my sexuality, but many things from my childhood and teenage years. From having counselling I learned I need to be kind and true to myself, so here I am.
I hope you can find a way to find your true selves.

 

Not so much with my orientation but very much so with my gender identity. I allowed myself to be put through conversion "therapy" and practically killed myself trying to pretend that I was male. I allowed that struggle to pretty much ruin my life and it took until my 40s before I finally accepted who I really am and decided to live as my true self for the rest of my life.

 

There are various stages that we go through on the coming out journey and we can get incredibly stuck at some of those stages. The denial stage is a particularly tricky stage and we can often find ourselves facing a brick wall. In our hearts we know we are not straight, but the negative messages of family and community members, or wider society can dwell deep within us and shame us into thinking or behaving contrary to our instincts. It's for these reasons that some people have repressed everything and gone on to marry members of the opposite sex and start families.

We can try to bury our feelings, but most people find that to be untenable, over the long term. At some point we have to find a way over that wall and complete our coming out journey. It's the only way to real freedom and authenticity. We have to admit to ourselves that we are not and never will be straight, no matter how hard we try or how hard other people want us to try.

It's not easy, but when we begin to acknowledge reality and share our thoughts and feelings with people who have been there too it can lessen the burden and give us the strength and confidence to take steps forward, even if they are only baby steps to begin with. Speak the truth and break the chains.

 

Yes, I grew up Southern Baptist (which is probably one of the most homophobic denominations out there). I basically quietly dissociated my feelings for women away up until a couple of years ago. I didn’t try to pretend with men. I couldn’t have kids so I didn’t see the point.

And yes, it took me to dark places. It involved decades of self-hatred and me gaining a massive amount of weight and dressing in a way to try to keep distance. And it stunted friendships because there was always this shame and secrecy that I couldn't talk about. And it created basically ever-present anxiety and then I float in and out of depression and suicidal thoughts. All of which I'm working on. So, sure I hid it from myself and others, but at what cost? Basically so I could appease people who are ragingly hypocritical about sexual ethics and who also don't approve of single people. So, they still weren't accepting of me even when I was ruining my own life to try to make them more comfortable. So, there's that.

But, yeah, your story sounds familiar.​

 

I get this for sure! I knew early early I wasn’t like the other boys. I knew way to early I like being with guys… but by puberty everyone was making fun of me and I figured if anyone found out some stuff that had already happened I’d be in major trouble so I had to be straight. I would tell myself I didn’t actually find guys attractive, I was just jealous of how they looked. I’d become over weight and super self conscious. I’d say I’m not into straight porn because it’s demeaning to women but gay porn is just about sex… I ended up married and when it I ally admitted it (a few years ago at age 27) I slipped into a super dark place. It’s taken the 4 years to reply work through it and get myself together. I’m super happy now, living my life… all I got is hold on the the simple truth, you deserve to be happy! It’s what got me by

I was raised in the church of god so I get the struggle of how faith really created massive problems!

 

I can definitely say that from a bisexual lens, I do relate. I think I knew long before I "knew", if you get my drift? The signs weren't exactly lacking, and like you, once I did acknowledge it, I struggled. I think on occasion I still do; I'll experience shame when I'm around certain people, but the past couple of years has made it easier to deal with--and I've honestly come to be a lot happier accepting it.

All I can say is, give yourself time. It took time to understand this about yourself, it's likely going to take a little more to accept and embrace it.

 

I’ve always known, since elementary school, was even accused of being gay in middle school. But there were definitely some things that should have told me sooner.

I didn’t really admit it to myself until my late teens and early twenties.