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Why are people straight or gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Danno1, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. LooseMoose

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    To answer the original post.

    I see why somebody could think that given the fact that some traits can be found across genders, such as femininity in men, etc. it would follow that most people could be attracted to those traits in people regardless of their sex, but unfortunately this is not how things work for some people.

    For me the attraction could possibly work that way to some extent, but the difference in actual experience is kind of biological, its about the sex/gender of the person having an impact on how I connect to them, and I strongly feel this is biological/neurological rather than just a matter of personal preference.

    To me sexual energy and sexual connection is a kind of current, and I simply lack the interface and circuitry to feel connected to a person if they happen to be male.

    I can love a guy and like his body (not be attracted to it sexually, but like it because it belongs to somebody I have feelings for, so clearly I was attracted to some gender-neutral traits of his), but in practice the sex will feel disconnected, I will feel like somebody is doing something nice to my body, but I am not particularly IN my body when it happens.

    Its a bit like both of us permanently wearing a space-suit: nothing really touches me inside, and feel like I lack the circuitry to connect to a person if they are male.
    With a woman there is somehow a feeling of embodiment and direct connection, I have the interface to feel connected to her.

    It has nothing to do with emotional closeness, or how well you know the person, or how much you like somebody, or how good they are looking, or what traits we like or dislike in people, I feel it is simple and has to do with the way we are wired.

    I can fall in 'love with a persons soul', but if they happen to have a male body, how the hell am I supposed to connect to that soul? It will be like two people sitting in cars trying to have sex by rubbing bumpers against each other, it will not work, because a man does not know how to get into my car, nor do I know how to get into his.
     
    #81 LooseMoose, Jan 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2015
  2. kindy14

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    One goes for one person, doesn't hold for every person.

    As the internet slang goes, YMMV, Your Mileage May Vary
     
  3. Fallingdown7

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    If men and women were really the same I guess there would be no such thing as trans people either lmfao

    Don't see what's so wrong about saying men and women ARE different in a way that has NOTHING to do with society gender roles.
     
  4. anann

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    I wanted to add my two cents.

    I don't understand what makes people strait or gay either. I am an aromantic asexual and I don't find men or women attractive. I think people who are sexual have feelings that I don't and can't experience. I don't understand what it would feel like to be attracted to someone or want sex, but that doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way I do. And if I don't have those feelings I can't comment on the validity of someone else's feelings. There is a leap of faith that if someone says that the feeling is different based of the gender of the person involved I have no right to dispute that.

    I feel that a lot of people have the same problem understanding what it is to be asexual. I try to be understanding of people who can't quite understand that not everyone has a desire for sex or romance. We are all different and that's ok.

    I still wish I understood though.
     
  5. Reptillian

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    What I'm implying that there's absolutely no good reason to believe that men and women are different from the behavioral perspective. That does not mean that there's no such thing as trans-individuals, and even if one deny that one can feel male/female, that does not mean that one should imply there is no trans-individuals as feeling like you have a body map of an average bio-female is a thing. To clarify, if you were to cut off your arm right away, there's the possibility that you may feel that you have a phantom arm because your body map in your mind tells that you have an arm there even if you don't.
     
    #85 Reptillian, Jan 10, 2015
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  6. soulcatcher

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    :thumbsup:

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2015 at 09:05 PM ----------

    You may be right in that there are no significant innate differences in psychology of men and women. Perhaps, people tend to unconsciously adjust behave in a way as to conform to the perceived sociocultural sterotypes and expectations. This may have negative consequences on people (especially on those who do not conform to gender stereotypes).
     
  7. kindy14

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    me being me, doesn't invalidate you being you in any way...
     
  8. stocking

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    I'm not talking about behavior I'm talking about them biologically not being the same at all
    a woman and a man could have the same hobbies and likes it still would not change that that woman is a woman and that man is still a man .
     
  9. YuriBunny

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    For whatever reason, I do not find myself attracted to guys. I do not want to date them, I do not want to have sex with them, etc. The idea just feels completely wrong to me. But with a girl, it's different. There's something about girls that I find insanely attractive; maybe it's everything about them and not a specific aspect of them.

    Having sex with a male is quite different than having sex with a female. Absolutely different. Even if some guy was very very feminine, I could still never bring myself to do anything sexual with him. You brought up that you can have oral sex with a male or female, which is true, and you can do many similar things, but it feels different. Many people are just naturally inclined towards a specific gender.

    It's not the act and the way it makes someone feel, nor is it the way a person looks and how that makes someone feel; rather, it's the person and how they make someone feel.

    As for your comments on attraction to transgender people, I think I could be attracted to a transgender girl, even if she hasn't been able to transition. Knowing that she's a girl would be enough for me. That's probably not a very good explanation, but I don't know how else to explain it. I could not like a transgender boy because, well, he's a boy, and that would contradict my orientation the way it naturally is.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2015 at 04:31 PM ----------

    Sex is very much an emotional thing. Human beings can indeed be aroused by anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean they want it. That's different from the deeper and more intense feelings that come when someone feels genuine sexual attraction.

    I'm sure I could be physically aroused by a guy if he was trying really hard. But for girls, they certainly don't need to try hard. Girls excite me. I'm interested in the idea of being with one.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2015 at 04:44 PM ----------

    Sexual attraction and arousal are two very separate things. Sexual attraction is mental and arousal is physical.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2015 at 04:49 PM ----------

    It's most likely the knowledge that he's not a girl.

    No. They would still be straight because she's a woman, even if she's pre-op.

    He wouldn't be attracted to her. Gender identity can absolutely be a turn-off.

    I think that depends on the guy, but I imagine most would say yes.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2015 at 04:52 PM ----------

    I think Falling explains it quite well in the above post.
     
  10. Just Jess

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    You know what would be really cool? If we didn't feel like we had to dissect and even defend our sexuality any more than straight people. When straight boys reach puberty and start noticing girls, people don't try to patiently explain to them that they've actually been culturally indoctrinated into liking them, and the changes in their body have nothing to do with it.
     
  11. Fallingdown7

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    ^^^^ This
     
  12. stocking

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    This :thumbsup:
    I'm honestly sick of explaining why I don't like cock I just don't get over it people .:dry:
     
  13. Kinyayo

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    I am 99% certain because we were born this way... I was born attracted to men even though I grew up in the environment where it is not accepted by the society. I can have romantic feelings towards women but not sexually attracted to women. What caused me to be born this way nobody knows for certain. It happened at some point or period of time between impregnation and birth. Prenatal hormones, genes or something else might have caused it. I would like to know the exact reason why we are born the way we are but at this moment whenever someone asks I can only say "I was just born this way" or some other phrase with the same meaning.

    From sexual preferences we move forward to individual preferences. Most straight men are sexually attracted to feminine women for obvious reasons, and even then there are variations. For gay men there is a wider range of types of men they can be attracted. Some like masculine men, others like feminine men, thirds like some in between and so on. How these individual preferences are formed? I would say it is a mix of environmental and biological factors. Do you think why most Asian gay men are attracted to White men in the West? I am guessing the reason is because Asian gay men who grew up in the West are living whole life in the society where White people are the majority. In a contrary gay Asian men who grew up and live in Asia are attracted to other Asian men. So I believe that personal preferences are a product of both environmental and biological factors. The same goes for straight men and "macho" type of women. Majority of straight men are not attracted to "macho" type of women just because they are not exposed to them that much and they are biologically wired to seek feminine women. A small amount of straight men who are attracted to "macho" women have stronger biological reason than environmental similar to gay men.
     
  14. kakich

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    You could be aroused mechanicaly - by a machine - does it mean you are attracted to machines? This is just a body reaction. And yes, I have been asked a lot of times if my eyes are closed and a man - let's say - kisses my body, what would be the difference.
    The differece is that is a MAN. I don't find men sexually attractive - never has. I don't like the penis - it's not repulsive to me if I see it on a picture, but it is repulsive to me if I imagine it inside me. I like a lot of man as people. I know a lot of amazing men. But for me - they are not object of my affection - they are just nice people, friends or company.
    When it comes to girls.. I fall in love with girls. The woman's body is a turn on for me. I see my future maried to a beautiful, good girl and having children together.
     
  15. Danno1

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    "I will be very surprised if you have better results elsewhere." Lol then maybe I should just give up, if the most respectful forum is supposedly this one xD. Tbh I am quite sensitive, what people say, even strangers, affects me, so I'd please ask for everyone to be at least respectful with me like I am with you, even if some things I say offend anyone (something I apologized and apologize for and is not my intention at all). I am human too you know? People have feelings, what makes you think you have the right to make other innocent people feel bad.

    "Would you say it is sad that asexual aromantics could never love anybody in neither sexual or affectionate way?" Asexuals, including aromantics, can love someone in an affectionate way (like you can love a brother for instance). As for the sexual way, no I don't feel sad about it because I actually like being this way, to be one of the few who don't have those primal instincts (that personally I find so disgusting and impure) and can love someone as much but without the sex part. Not trying to say that sexual people are disgusting or anything like that because they're born this way, what I'm saying is that I was born different and I prefer that to having been born sexual.

    "You say that it is "sad" that people base attraction so largely on genitals. I'm sorry you feel that way, but that is beyond our control. Arousal is an automatic reaction. We don't choose to be this way." Yeah, you're actually right. "But it really does seem like you are arguing that this sort of thing can't exist. And that is why people are getting upset." I'm not arguing it can't exist, I'm questioning why it can't when seen from my perspective it should be this way.

    What's the real difference between male and females, aside from identifying male/female and having different set of genitals / sex characteristics? Females tend to have a "female personality" and males a male one but both can have the other personality or some traits of it so I think it's all more a matter of shades of gray rather than black-and-white, that's why it's just difficult for me to understand why sexual people make such a big deal out of what gender they are attracted to. But if genitals are what ultimately matter, then yeah I suppose there's a big difference between males an females.

    "Literally it's equivalence training (meaning for straight guy or lesbian woman: penis = gross, vagina = sexy/ straight girl or gay guy: penis = sexy, vagina = gross/ bisexual: penis & vagina = sexy." Yeah I think this is similar to what I mentioned. If this is true then I do understand I think, I mean I don't understand why this happens (as you said it's complicated and scientists don't know yet) but I understand why people wouldn't want to have sex and be with someone with the genitals that they dislike. Even though it's hard to understand why getting a blowjob from a guy than from a girl feels different depending if you're gay or straight when physically it can't be any different, I get that despite feeling pleasure this person wouldn't enjoy to have someone they're not attracted to do this to them. I never thought I'd understand it but after reading so many replies, I think I finally get it (well I'll never be able to understand it per se, but I think I get how it's different).

    "But attraction, sexual attraction included, is just something that is pretty unexplainable. I think it will always be a mystery." Yeah, I guess that's true, but damn it doesn't help at all for people who have trouble understanding it. But I understand what you mean, everyone is different. But after all the answers I think I'm quite correct in saying that genitals are what determines sexual orientation for most people. As for your saying that I have invalidated a sexual orientation, I repeat: I haven't done that (or at least it wasn't my intention), I'm not saying people should only be bi and everyone who is not should go to hell lol. Also, this is to another poster: it's nice to see someone who is also asexual and doesn't understand it either, I'm glad that I'm not alone in this and I'm not so weird!

    Okay so I have many other answers to answer to but have no time unfortunately. What I can say to everyone is that, despite the fact that I still don't fully get it (probably never will) I've begun to understand things better so thanks everyone for your answers. At least right now when I watch shameless (not sure if you guys know about this show) and Ian insists so much in that Mickey is gay and places such a high importance on that I'll know that what he really means is that he gets aroused due to penises and dislikes female genitalia therefore he likes men and can't enjoy straight sex and being in a straight relationship and he should just admit that (or to sum up: he likes penis, period xD). And there's nothing wrong with that of course compared to straight people.

    EDIT: Also, Fallingdown what you explained (in your post about rape and other things) helped a lot, thanks. And thanks a lot for answering my questions, Yuricore! Actually thanks everyone again, it surprised me that despite some being disrespectful in general you've all been very helpful!
     
    #95 Danno1, Jan 11, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2015
  16. bicomplicated

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    yes, I know that wasn't your intention. I did say that. I just can see how some people could take it that way and get upset. But I am glad you got some helpful answers. :slight_smile:
     
  17. banana1

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    @Danno1

    just want to add my 2 cents :wink:

    I am a 20 year old cis male...

    I enjoy flirtung with woman, but I never really get aroused. (The older I got the less I get...) which leads me to the question if sexuality can change with time -- I dont really know, but thats offtopic

    But with men.......
    I spend approx. the last 2 months thinking about this boy. I would really really like to just hug him :slight_smile:
    & I get aroused from a shirtless boy :wink:



    I never met a person tho identifies as trans or androgynous - so I can't really tell how I feel about that
     
    #97 banana1, Jan 11, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2015