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This has NEVER happened before..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sugarskull, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. JB1973

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    Oh I know that one!!:icon_wink
     
  2. stella99

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    Wise words Waterfall. Food for thought.

    I too am an experienced professional with what I thought was a level head on my shoulders. I was wrong. But i am the only one who can look after myself in this. Hearing others experiences helps to appreciate I have to take some control and conciously deal with my emotions.
     
  3. waterfall

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    Stella you do have us to help you through this. I am checking this site everyday. I am very close to your age and situation, so I can relate to everything you say! I would be happy to talk to you any time.
    Taking control of your emotions is so difficult! I knew that I was out of control but couldn't seem to get a grip. It was like all common sense was out the window!
    I do think it helps to have others to talk to-even if it is just over the internet. I was completely on my own before I discovered EC. I still find it amazing that there are so many of us out there!
     
  4. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    Stella you do have us to help you through this. I am checking this site everyday. I am very close to your age and situation, so I can relate to everything you say! I would be happy to talk to you any time.
    Taking control of your emotions is so difficult! I knew that I was out of control but couldn't seem to get a grip. It was like all common sense was out the window!
    I do think it helps to have others to talk to-even if it is just over the internet. I was completely on my own before I discovered EC. I still find it amazing that there are so many of us out there!

    ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2014 at 06:21 PM ----------

    I have no idea how that got posted twice! For as much time as I spend on the computer…a wiz I am NOT!
     
  5. bi2me

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    I find that my husband and I aren't as intimate when I am upset with something in the relationship. So far, we've always been able to work everything out and turn everything around, and if you are still interested in being with him, maybe you will be able to as well.

    As far as cheating, I've decided that it's not for me, although I definitely have my fantasy moments. My husband knows about the woman I have feelings for... I guess the funny thing is, because we've been dating since HS, when she and I were intimate the first time, he's known about it the whole time. It was *me* who didn't know I was bi - he wasn't the least shocked or upset. LOL!... but he trusts me (and her) and we've been best friends for so long, I think we are safe to remain that way (as long as we control the wine!). :slight_smile:

    Have you thought about telling him about your feelings towards women? Do you guys have a marriage counselor?
     
  6. JB1973

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    I have read so much here about ladies who have been married with kids (like me) and experienced a trigger crush, told their husbands and the marriage has fallen apart. My problem is that I am so scared of what will happen to my marriage if I tell him I have feelings for this woman. Let's say (in the unlikely event) that we stay together, he may 'prevent' me seeing her anymore and I feel I'm only just starting to get to know her. I couldn't bare not seeing her anymore. We went out for dinner last night. We are still playing at being just friends so everything is 'safe' on that front for now but we talked about everything. She told me things she's not told other people before and vice versa. It's amazing.

    My initial thought has been to keep her secret if things develop, however, the idea of having an affair does sit very uncomfortably for me. It's not something I do. However, I'm really afraid to split up from my husband too. This is not my first (or second marriage) and my kids have already experienced one divorce and although I have no doubt that a split from my husband would be on good terms (he's like that), it would still put so much on to them, just when things were starting to become more stable for them again. So, you see, my situation is complicated (like everybody's I suppose) and also, what would my family and friends think? A third divorce?!! The whole thing makes me feel like a complete failure. And if I did tell him how I felt for this woman and we broke up, and nothing came of anything else, would it have been all a waste? Particularly as I don't even know what it is I'm exactly going through or feeling at the moment. Excuse my french but the whole thing is f*****d up. :bang:
     
    #266 JB1973, Sep 23, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
  7. Camusgirl

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    I just came across this thread and have started reading everyone's stories...and just WOW! First, it is really comforting to know that I am not the only one! Reading about the intensity of everyone's feelings re their trigger crushes has made me feel less crazy. It has been almost three months since the lightening bolt struck and the overwhelming intensity of emotions have finally become more manageable. I am 30, also married and this whole experience has been amazing in the sense that I finally feel in touch with who I am but also frightening and confusing. I have never been with a woman before so this is all new. About three months ago, I was was conducting an interview with a woman who is openly gay,and as we were chatting, something happened-I felt it in my stomach, I realized I really liked her. And ever since that day my world has not been the same. I couldn't eat, sleep or function like a normal human being-I felt like I was losing my mind. I landed up sending her flowers, and messaging her sporadically just to try and keep some form of connection between us. After a month we went to coffee and I told her how I was feeling regarding my sexuality-less about the intensity of my feelings for her. It just so happened that she had recently broken up with a married woman (the irony) who had gone back to her husband. This made me realize that I couldn't put her through that again (what happens if this is all a phase (?)) and I have tried very hard to not contact her but its really difficult. I have seen her once since then and now we message every once in awhile but she still consumes my thoughts. I am doing better than I was but it still hurts not hearing from her. I have also spoken to my husband about my sexuality. I didn't tell him about her-just that I am not sure if I am straight. He has been amazing! Very supportive, telling me that I must take my time to figure things out and there is no rush etc. I am so lucky to have him. Anyway, this is where I am at right now. Reading these posts really helps and re-iterates my stance of trying to keep away from my trigger crush until I can make sense of what is going on inside...it's hard though. Sigh.
     
  8. bi2me

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    Hi Camusgirl,
    Welcome to EC! It sounds like you are lucky, like I am, to have a supportive spouse. I feel so fortunate to have found so many others who are experiencing the same/similar feelings/situations. The camaraderie is really helpful :slight_smile:
     
  9. JB1973

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    OMG...totally nearly had a melt down tonight. The pressure is just getting to me. My husband is trying really hard to make things work and be the husband I have always wanted. Only trouble is I really don't know if it's too late. The lack of sex thing has been for many months now and really is just a symptom of lots of problems. Only trouble is that I don't know if I have any interest in being intimate again with him, even if he turns into the perfect husband.So much water under the bridge and all that and I'm not sure now if it's because I'm just off men in that way, or if it's just a phase because of my trigger crush.

    So he's talking to me and I'm feeling terribly guilty because I know he's making an effort and my trigger crush is a very complicating factor. I decided that I needed to tell her how I feel because if I told her how I feel about her, then I can at least tell him about feeling like that. I just don't want to tell him before speaking to her. Does that make sense?

    So I got to the point tonight when my courage was up (just about) enough to text her to see if she was around and could I come over because I needed to talk. She was out and wasn't sure what time she would be home but it wouldn't be too late. She said she'd text to let me know but hasn't, so I suspect she might have a clue what it's about and perhaps really doesn't want to have THAT conversation?

    If that's the case, it might make things easier, for me anyway. I will be able to distance myself from her - that is of course if she doesn't try to rearrange. If she does want to rearrange, then I don't know what I'll do because my courage has completely gone now! How will I deal with that one?!

    Not due to see her at work till end of next week now so I might just lay low till then, not initiate any contact with her and see what happens. Sorry for the ramble but you should have seen me a couple of hours ago :help: I was in several pieces!!
     
  10. bi2me

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    JB Sending happy thoughts your way... I hope you are able to talk to everyone and that things work out however would be best for you.
     
  11. HTBO

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    JB1973: I have a question, why do you feel like you should tell your crush before your husband? I'm not judging or saying this isn't how you should handle the situation, I'm just curious as to why you think it should be done in this particular order. How you feel about your husband will not change depending on the reaction of your crush, will it? If she does try to avoid that conversation, don't let it prevent you from telling your husband if you are ready to do that. The way you feel about him probably won't change, you sound a lot like I did and regardless of how perfect my ex tried to be, it wasn't what I wanted and he could never give me what I wanted because he's a man and I have no interest in men. My trigger crush was what made me realize this and the situation with my ex was exacerbated because of my crush. Try not to overthink the situation with your crush and instead focus on you and what you want to do next.
     
  12. Camusgirl

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    Hi Bi2me-thanx! It is really helpful-great not to feel so alone! Also helps me in my mission to stay away from my trigger crush. JB1973 it is such a complicated situation! Maybe you feel it would be easier to tell your husband if you had your trigger crush's support? I don't know? Hope it goes okay!
     
  13. Haim

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    Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences. This is my first post here but I felt like I needed to join so I could comment on this thread and share my experience, since I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.

    My trigger crush situation is this:

    I have been questioning my sexuality for some time, but always on a fleeting/subconscious level.I have a close friend I really like, I actually thought of her as my best friend and had often imagined having a relationship with her/being with her (but hadn't actually realised what that meant for me).

    A few weeks ago we were out in a group and she told me she was bisexual. My heart started racing and I became ecstatically happy, which is stupid because I know she's in a long term relationship with a male. I spoke to her after that night and told her I had some questions about my sexuality and she has since really helped me talk things out.

    I respect her relationship and don't want anything to happen to that, as she is really happy with him. I currently see her every day at work and will soon be moving departments and not seeing her very often, which makes me unbelievably sad.

    But I'm finding it really hard to cope with this feeling, especially since I can't confide in anyone about it. I'm fairly sure it's either love or close to, I've never felt about another person in this way. I look forward to work everyday just to talk to her/see her. The other day she was upset about something and seeing her cry just about killed me, I'm not a person who generally likes physical contact and I just wanted to go and hold her. I feel so proud every time I make her laugh and could listen to her repeat the same story hundreds of times when that normally drives me mad.

    Anyway sorry for the essay! If anyone I knew saw what I'd just written they'd think I had gone mad, I normally don't talk about emotions at all.
     
  14. bi2me

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    As my longtime bestie said when I told her I still had feelings for her (20 years after we were together "experimenting"), "Some kinds of love aren't compatible." It made me feel kind of angry and sad to hear it at the time, but it was actually what I needed to hear. She's right. We are both happily married, and bisexual or not, we aren't in a position to start a relationship with each other. And truth be told, we aren't even compatible with each other long term... there is just an attraction there. I don't know if that helps or not, but after I thought about it for a while, it did help me.

    If you are meant to be with the other person, then it could happen down the road. As we all are figuring out, crushing on someone not available (for whatever reason) isn't healthy in the long run.
     
  15. JB1973

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    Yes, sort of. I think by talking to her about it first will help establish what I am actually thinking myself. HTBO, you were lucky in that you knew that you were gay so it made it more straight forward to speak to your husband perhaps? With me, I don't know if I'm gay (due having become disillusioned with men and how they've treated me over the years) or if my trigger is just an isolated crush or if I'm bi. I think by talking to her first, will help cement a few things in my own mind. As she has been gay her whole life, she might be able to give me some good guidance. Then I will be able to talk to my husband and hopefully be able to answer the questions he's bound to ask with proper answers as opposed to 'I don't know'!

    Things are cool between me and my trigger at the moment so I'm not going to rock the boat and when the right time arises to talk to her, I will. It may be a while though.
     
  16. HTBO

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    JB1973, that makes sense. I just wasn't sure what the connection was between telling her first and telling your husband. Maybe we can help you figure this out. If you ever want to talk about it. I know the uncertainty in the beginning and not sure if it's an isolated incident. There are a lot of confusing emotions and self-doubt. Thanks for clarifying.
     
  17. JB1973

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    HTBO and everyone else, you are all amazing. I can't tell you how much it's helped reading this thread. For example, when I started feeling like this, I thought very much like Mocha did i.e. may be split up and then 6 months down the line 'suddenly' have a new 'girlfriend'!! Reading the thread has made me realise that it would be obvious to my husband who would see the 6 months as a huge lie - that's even if that's the route I took. So no, I need to tell him what's what. I just need to figure it out a little bit more first.

    There has been a bit of an update with my husband this week in that he has always said in the past that if sex was never going to return to our relationship, he didn't think he could stay together. Now though, he says he would, because he just doesn't want to live without me. This makes the need for me to speak to her even stronger because I would feel too guilty otherwise.

    I still don't know if I could have sex with another woman - I guess if my feelings with my trigger crush are reciprocated, I'll soon find out, but I still want to have a mad passionate kiss with her..she's just my type, not feminine looking (where as I very much am), and is so bloody attractive to me!

    I'm only going to see her one day next week at work. If we can arrange to go out after work again, that might be the right time to spill the beans. I just hope I don't lose her as a friend by telling her, although things are at the stage where that's a risk I have to take because life is too stressful otherwise. I'll keep you posted x
     
  18. Seagypsy

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    I'm feeling this way too, about someone I work with, you're so right the emotional connection comes out of nowhere and is on another level! We have been emotionally involved since we met last December and yet she has been seeing someone from her past who still loves her, I think she wants to move on though...! So now I am just hoping we will finally, at last, get our chance.............!! :eusa_danc
     
  19. Snever2late

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    JB1973: I hope your conversation with your crush goes well, I'll be thinking of you
    Seagypsy: I wish for you to get your chance, and that it is magical :slight_smile:
    Bi2Me: Thank you for sharing that, it is actually very helpful. I also read in this article from the Huffington Post that are meant to come into your life at the wrong time "to awaken you to who you really are." Maybe they will stay, maybe they will come back, or maybe it's just not meant to be in this lifetime. It's still a precious gift.

    I've been posting about this on my other thread, but I still want to stay connected on this one so I'll be brief:

    My "Trigger crush," has decided that she doesn't want to leave her girlfriend for someone else after so long, and that she can't continue to deceive her. I respect this decision, but I feel like she's making the wrong one...anyway, I'm completely crushed. I've sobbed every day for a week about this (not continuously of course, I just keep replaying everything in my head. Everything reminds me of her.) I said some pretty intense things when she told me, and she asked that I not contact her for a while so she can focus on fixing the relationship she has.

    I came clean to my husband, who knew that I was involved emotionally but not physically, and it was horrible. I understand I hurt him, although I've been pretty open about what's been going on the whole 6 months. He also found the divorce paperwork that I'd printed off (the same day my crush ended things).

    After opening up to him, and coming out to him that I am not interested in men sexually, but have strong desire to be with a woman...he outed me. On Facebook. For 8 whole hours his post sat up there, while family, and friends, and people I didn't know saw it and texted me and called me. I eventually managed to make him take it down, but... I mean I'm barely admitting this to myself, and now all these people know.:icon_sad:
     
  20. stella99

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    So sorry you are going through this just now Snever2late. You must devastated by your crush's decision and then for your husband to do that was unforgivable. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this. You won't always feel this bad. There will be better days in the future. Sending hugs your way (&&&)