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Lesbians that have sex with men ?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by stocking, Dec 9, 2013.

  1. Ebro1122

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    What the.....? You do realize that you are part of the reason why straight men don't take lesbians seriously right? Cut it out with the "lesbian" label, you are bisexual honey.
     
  2. I'm a bit on the fence about this thread. When I was younger I used to have a "f-buddy" who was male. I only wanted him for sex, I wanted no intimacy. This is before I understood more about my orientation, maybe Sprini feels like this? In where men are just for sex but she sees women as for intimacy as well as sex?

    I also have a question for myself, I could be seen as technically bisexual but I don't like to label myself as that. The reason is because yes I am very sexually attracted to men. I have and will probably enjoy being intimate with men. However, I cannot be satisfied emotionally by a man. With women I am a bit more demisexual and definitely more connected to them emotionally. I will not "date" men if I can have a woman. Why should I label myself as homoromantic bisexual or even bisexual with a pref for women when I am only interested in relationships with women?

    This is like the ice cream thing. If someone prefers vanilla over chocolate, why would they even explain about chocolate when vanilla is what they really want?

    Also, if you go into the "later in life forum" you will see that sexuality is more complicated then just black or white. There are people there who have enjoyed sex and even marriages with the opposite sex only to realize they would rather be with the same sex.

    It's very rare that you find people who are completely "gay" or "straight"
     
  3. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Honestly, I think people are misinterpreting what sexuality means.

    Sexual orientation means who you want to have SEX with/LUST after. It's about SEXUAL attraction. It has NOTHING to do with romantic relationships or emotions. It's called SEXual orientation, NOT romantic orientation. It's SEXual attraction, NOT romantic attraction.

    If you are sexually attracted to both women and men, enjoy sex with both, you are technically bisexual. You do not have to be romantically attracted to both genders to be bisexual. You don't have to want the intimacy with both. You don't have to involve feelings. All you have to do to be bisexual is crave sexual experiences with either sex, regardless if It's a romantic experience or a casual "just getting myself off" experience.

    Saying that someone is straight/lesbian for enjoying sex with men but not being interested in dating them is the same as saying all psycho/sociopaths are asexual because they feel sexual attraction without romantic attraction. Or even a normal straight guy/girl that doesn't like relationships with the opposite sex; but enjoys casual sex with them. They are still HETEROsexual because they are attracted to sex with the opposite sex, even if there is no intimacy.

    You don't even have to be equally attracted to both genders to be bisexual. You can be 98% attracted to women, and 2% attracted to men and you are still bisexual. In order to be lesbian, you must have a 0% sexual attraction to men. Period.

    Words have meanings. It's like saying you're sexually inexperienced/a virgin because you've slept with hundreds of guys casually, but not romantically. It's like being a vegetarian that eats a shitton of bacon every night.

    Honestly I find these labels to be insulting. I don't call myself a lesbian because I'm romantically attracted to women. I call myself one because I don't have any sexual attraction to men. That's what the word means.

    It's hard enough for lesbians to get acknowledged in our society. This attitude contributes to the "They all need a good dicking since they'll enjoy it anyway!1!!1!"

    Honestly our society is in a hookup culture stage anyway. A LOT of people have casual sex without feelings. Most people don't link love and sex anymore. Most people would ask who you prefer to have sex with over "Who would you want as a boyfriend/girlfriend".

    This is incredibly inane and insults the lesbian community IMO
     
    #23 Fallingdown7, Apr 18, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2014
  4. Alehkz

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    I totally agree with you. I don't know if you read my post but I'm very exclusive as to who I date. Maybe an exception here and there but that's it.
     
  5. sldanlm

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    Since I started sleeping with a guy I quit identifying as a lesbian and now identify as bisexual. I've probably been bisexual all my life and just realized it at this stage in my life. I am not however to guys in general, not even 1%. My romantic feelings for this one particular guy seem to be driving my physical desire for him, not his penis or any other body parts. Most of the time I don't even care about any specific sexual activity with him, I just have an intense desire to physically be close to him. If you ask me in general who I prefer to have sex with, it's overwhelmingly women. Even the idea of having sex with a random guy is uncomfortable, as it was before I started dating my friend. So the only thing I can guess is I might be demisexual? I know that there's probably people who read this and think, because they haven't experienced it themselves, think it's a load of crap, but that is how I feel.
     
  6. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I do believe in exceptions and all that, and that any sexuality can fall in love with any gender given certain circumstances.

    However, I go by the fact that sexuality is about sex whether romantic or casual. In my opinion, it makes more sense for a lesbian who is in love with a man and actively dating him to call herself a lesbian than it does for someone who is obviously sexually attracted to men and seeks out sex with them.

    "Lesbian" is a sexual term IMO, it means women who are exclusively interested in sleeping with women and find sexual appeal in women.

    Anybody can be emotionally attracted to any gender, but sexual orientation is based on who you desire to have sex with.

    I'm not saying that these girls must call themselves "bi" (even though I realized I hinted at that in my reply because the topic irritated me), but that I find it kind of ridiculous/delusional.

    I DO think that lesbians can still be lesbians if they have/had sex with a man. It's just that in doing so, you need to lack actual sexual attraction for him.

    I personally just feel insulted by it because I am exclusively interested in sexual activity with women. I have no sexual interest in men at all, not for physical pleasure, not for any other reason. I have had such a hard time getting people to acknowledge my sexuality; many people still shove men down my throat and assume I'd be interested in them/interested in sleeping with one because straight girls sleep with girls while being "straight".

    I mean these people literally make me feel scared because if someone can call themselves "lesbian" while enjoying being with men, what would stop straight men from thinking they would be able to score with lesbians then? The sexual assault/rape culture would increase.

    I don't dislike people who are attracted to men/who sleep with men for specific reason, but I can't share a label with them. I need people to understand I exclusively like women sexually and It's hard enough to get people to get that in the first place.

    Also I'm not saying that you're bi/lesbian, because your story is different than some of these other women. You just happened to like a guy and found an exception. That's alright. Like I said it makes more sense to me for a lesbian to find an exception in love, since being a lesbian means "I only desire sex with women" (Even if you are sexually attracted to him, you're on the demi side of bi/lesbian with exception).

    You may identify however you wish.
     
  7. Ebro1122

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    Totally agree with you Fallingdown. Couldn't have said it better myself. Stop invalidating a well established *sexual* orientation.
     
  8. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I feel like I should bring some definitions up.

    Sexual orientation: Sexual attraction to a specific sex/gender.

    Sexual attraction: A desire or urge to have sex with a specific person.

    Notice how sexual attraction doesn't have anything to do with emotional or physical attraction.


    Romantic attraction: : An emotional connection with a person/Desire to be in a romantic relationship with a person.

    Notice how this also has nothing to do with sexual attraction. Asexual people call themselves by romantic attractions, but that doesn't make them not asexual. You can also be an aromantic sexual. For example, an aromantic bisexual desires to have sex with men and/or women for whatever reason, without ever having an emotional connection. This still does not make them NOT bisexual.


    Physical attraction: (From wikipedia): Physical attractiveness is the degree to which a person's physical traits are considered aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness or desirability, but can also be distinct from the two; for example, adults may regard children as attractive for various reasons.

    I realize that dictionaries also define it as sexual arousal, but I believe this is not always the case. Physical attraction is basically the same as aesthetic attraction (Some people separate the two, but really they are the same thing).

    I can be physically attracted to some men, but does it mean I'm sexually attracted to them? No. I'm also physically attracted to children and animals. Does that make me a pedo/zoophile?

    Likewise, you can also be sexually attracted to an ugly looking person. Saying "I don't find this man good-looking at all, but I still desire sex with him" is sexual attraction by definition.

    Even as a lesbian where it matched my orientation, I've been very sexually attracted to women who were NOT physically attractive in the slightest.


    All in all sexuality by technical definitions is defined by sexual attraction. It's defined by whoever you desire to have sex with. Not whoever you feel "romantic" feelings for. Not for whoever you find good looking. It's who you desire sex with by definition.
     
  9. Alehkz

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    I fell in love with a guy but I couldn't sleep with him. I drew the line at sex with a guy. I couldn't go through with sex in love with this dude. I think in was in love with him and his personality and the way we just clicked but when it came to sex, nope. I like women parts and women. Emotionally, I think that dude was something I can't explain to this day. I fell in love with him, but I am a lesbian and have always been a lesbian. But no matter how much attraction or feelings I used to feel for that guy I just couldn't sleep with him. Or have us be naked in bed or anything like that. I think at that point I realized that one can be romantically involved but unavailable in other ways that truly make a relationship successful and so it is better to just accept and embrace who you are naturally. I only date gold star lesbians because I know we are the ones who have never slept with men. A few might have had some emotional connection with a man, but aside from a kiss, there was just no sexul actions involved.
     
  10. Ebro1122

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    You do understand that some lesbians don't realize that they are lesbians until later on, even after being with men? You would really not date a woman who has slept with a man in the past before she came to terms with her true nature? This whole "goldstar" BS is just a subtle way for some lesbians to feel superior to other lesbians. What do you want a cookie or something?
     
  11. Alehkz

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    I don't feel superior to anyone. That is like saying that asexuals feel too good to be with anyone. Everyone makes a choice about who they date and I've made one up. So, a little respect please. I'm not going to excuse myself for having a preference.
     
  12. Fallingdown7

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    I understand the main point. Yeah, this is what I was getting at. You can fall in love with a guy, be emotionally invested in a guy, even date/marry him and still be a lesbian. You're only not a lesbian if you desire to have sex with men, regardless of the reason.

    I wouldn't refuse to date a lesbian who has had sex with men though, and I think they can definitely still be lesbians depending on the reason they slept with a guy (Acceptance/closeted, trapped in straight marriage and doing it to make partner happy, one time curiosity thing). But when you sleep with men "because you're horny/for the hell of it", sorry but no. You may not find the guy good-looking, but you're still sexually attracted to him. And being a lesbian is dependent on never being sexually attracted to men.
     
  13. Ebro1122

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    I've *never* been sexually attracted to men. I've *always* been sexually attracted to women. However, I dated/slept with men because I didn't think I had any other option. I thought all women disliked being intimate with men but did it anyway because that's just how relationships worked. I wish I could've had atleast one gay or lesbian person to help me understand that my feelings were normal and okay :frowning2: It sucks because people like Alehkz will always look down on lesbians like me because I didn't have it all figured out at 5 years old.
     
    #33 Ebro1122, Apr 19, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2014
  14. Alehkz

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    I don't look down on anyone. I HAVE had relationships with women who are lesbians but have slept with guys but I just couldn't get used to that idea and so I don't date them for long term relationships anyway. I wish you could stop judging me as a discriminatory person based on assumptions on my personal preference and beliefs about who I date. I'm only speaking for myself, not for the entire lesbian community. Big deal. Find lesbians that don't care what you've done and be with whoever makes you happy at the end of the day. There is a foot for every shoe in this world and if I'm not the foot to your shoe, move on and find another one. There. Simple.
     
  15. Ebro1122

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    Don't flatter yourself sweetheart. Tell me, do you wear a little goldstar sticker to attract other special snowflakes like yourself?
     
  16. Alehkz

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    No, I don't. I just flat out say it and proudly make it known and clear when I start a relationship with someone. Not everyone gets all butthurt about it, sweetie :wink: some can take the fire. Don't worry, I comes with age.
     
  17. sammy1

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    Women who label themselves as 'lesbians' and have sex with men (for pleasure or not) in my mind should not label themselves as lesbians because that is not what a lesbian is, a person wouldn't or can't call themselves a bachelor if they are already married, would they? No, because that is simply not the definition of a bachelor as an example
     
  18. Alehkz

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    Yeah, I agree.
     
  19. TurtleCat

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    I agree with most of what has been said on this thread thus far, but I wanted to add something else. I wonder if part of the logic behind women having and enjoying sex with both sexes, and yet still considering themselves "straight" or "lesbian" has to do with a lot of the stigma and misconceptions behind bisexuality. I think a lot of people may be hesitant to label themselves bisexual due to a lot of the stereotypes and false beliefs around it. From research I've done, bisexuals still receive a lot of flack from both the straight and gay communities, and are thought of as "slutty," "unable to make up their mind" "doing it for the attention" etc. A lot of people don't even believe bisexuality even exists -- they believe you're either straight or gay, with no in between. Or they believe that in order to be bisexual, you have to have equal 50/50 attraction to both sexes, or have to have had long-term serious relationships with both sexes, neither of which are necessarily true. You can have a preference for one gender over the other, and still be bisexual.
     
  20. Alehkz

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    What about women who identify as "questioning"? Is questioning enough to consider someone a bisexual?